


Touch Starved

by Hope15



Category: Outer Banks (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Boys In Love, Boys being sad, Child Abuse, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Im looking at you Big John, JJ gets the love he deserves, John B is the token straight friend, Lots of Angst, M/M, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Underage Drinking, aged up they are 18, boys cuddling, but also lots of fluff, kiara is a lesbian, maybe I dont know I get excited, no one dies, no treasure
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-10-14
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:22:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 33,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26031832
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hope15/pseuds/Hope15
Summary: JJ Maybank has never had a home, a place where he could go to feel safe, warm, and wanted. The older he gets the more he realizes home isn't always a place, sometimes it's a person. Sometimes it's a pretty boy with a death obsession and a heart-stopping smile.
Relationships: JJ/Pope (Outer Banks)
Comments: 66
Kudos: 122





	1. Prologue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I wanted your body on mine, I'll take anybody tonight but, you were my first pick. Feeling someone else next to me is all I'm asking of baby. Is anyone else here touch starved?"

JJ Maybank was thirteen years old when he realized that he liked his best friend just a little bit too much. Though, even from the first moment he met Pope Heyward when he was ten years old JJ immediately found him interesting. He talked like a big kid even though he was only 10 and he carried around a magnifying glass in his backpack because he said that he was going to be a detective when he was all grown up. A lot of the other kids made fun of him for this and even John B, JJ’s best friend since forever (well, since they sat by each other in 3rd grade) thought that it was a little strange, but unlike the other kids John B was not cruel to Pope about his peculiar interests. John B wasn’t like that.

  
JJ on the other hand didn’t think it was weird. He actually thought it was cool. What was cooler than being a detective and solving mysteries and putting bad guys in jail? Pope showed JJ and John B how to hunt for clues and look for fingerprints (even though Pope insisted they were there JJ could never actually see them but he played along anyway) and to treat everyone like a suspect. Sometimes JJ would try and start fires with the magnifying glass but it would never work and John B would more often than not turn every pretend mystery into a game of cops and robbers.

  
The magnifying glass and the overwhelming sense of intelligence and the craving for adventure were just a few of the reasons that JJ found Pope so interesting.  
Pope also had both a mom and dad which is more than JJ and John B could say. His dad was strict but not mean unlike JJ’s own dad that was both or John B’s that was neither.  
Mr. Heyward would sometimes let the three boys help him with his deliveries and would pay them in free candy from his store. Popes mother was always exuberantly kind to JJ and would let him stay over for dinner and let him sleepover even on school nights. When she would see the blonde boy she would often lick her thumb and rub the dirt off of JJ’s cheek. Stating something about how he was “Too cute to be so darn dirty.”

  
That was another thing, Pope was usually very clean. His socks always matched and his school shirts lacked stains and holes. He was careful to not sit in wet spots in the grass so as to not stain his jeans. He had a pair of shoes for school and a pair that he was allowed to play outside in. His dad would always yell at him when he got caught wearing his “good shoes” out in the mud when the three boys would play on the shore and try to catch fish with their bare hands. But, when Pope's dad would get onto him it was a lot different from when JJ’s own father would yell at him when he did something wrong (which was very often in Luke Maybanks eyes) For example, Popes father never hit him and when Pope would be scolded by his dad it usually ended with a stern pat on his shoulder or a kind hand ruffling his hair telling him “I’m only looking out for you son.”

  
JJ doesn’t think his own dad ever looks out for him and though he would never say it out loud, he sometimes wished that Mr. Heyward would put his hand on his shoulder and tell him that he was looking out for him too. The way Big John did sometimes when him and John B would get into a little too much trouble. Mr. Hayward was abundantly different from Big John though. Big John spent a good chunk of his time locked up in his office at the chateau leaving his son to run free. Mr. Heyward on the other hand liked to keep Pope on a pretty short leash. He liked to know where he was going, who with, how long he would be gone, and would always end with a “Stay safe son and don’t get into too much trouble.” Even at 10 years old JJ would notice the side eye that Heyward would shoot at him when he told his son to stay out of trouble. Even then he didn’t blame him. JJ was trouble. He did silly things like ride his bike too fast while Pope preferred to wear a helmet and use Pope’s magnifying glass to try and start fires. He also stole candy from Heyward even though he gave it to him free all the time. JJ always felt bad after doing this and would sneak it back a few hours later. JJ was bad, Pope was good. It was simple and JJ really liked that someone as smart and as good as Pope liked playing with him. It made him feel a way that no one else ever made him feel. Pope made him feel like he was worth playing with and worth being around. He made JJ feel special.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

By the time the boys had hit middle school JJ grew more aware of his feelings. He was aware of them but he certainly did not understand them. He knew he liked Pope. Obviously he was his best friend. He also liked John B, who was basically his brother, and Kie, who had started hanging out with them at the start of seventh grade. Sometimes she would sneak them beer from her dad's restaurant and at least in JJ’s opinion was the coolest girl in their whole grade. He didn’t just like his friends he loved them (though he would never say this out loud) they were more than just friends to him, they were his family. He felt safest hanging out at the chateau sipping on cheap beer and smoking stolen cigarettes with the pogues by his side. But, for some reason, something inside JJ knew that the way he felt about Pope was just a little bit different than the way he felt about his other two friends.

  
John B would talk about girls that he liked and how they made him feel. How Kelsey from his biology class kissed him when he walked her home and the butterflies he felt in his stomach when she was around. JJ knew exactly what John B was talking about. He felt that same way when Pope would sit next to him on the boat and their bare legs would touch or how sometimes their hands would graze each other when they were walking a little closer than necessary. But, that didn’t mean anything. JJ liked girls. He thought that girls were pretty and that they smelled good and his face would heat up when he saw Kie in a bikini so obviously he wasn’t gay. He just liked Pope. He was his best friend.

  
JJ tried not to think about how he knew that his face would also heat up when Pope would take his shirt off and that he definitely didn’t get flustered when John B would accidentally touch his hand. He tried so hard not to think about how he loved when Pope was paying attention to him and that he would do just about anything to keep the boy looking at him, talking to him, smiling at him. God JJ loved his smile. No, don't think about his smile. His perfect teeth, unlike JJ’s own teeth that were crooked and pointy. Fuck he wished his dad would get him braces. Pope might want to kiss him if his teeth were straight. Kissing Pope. Kissing Pope the way John B kissed Kelsey. The way boys and girls kiss each other. No, because Pope isn’t a girl, he’s a boy and he’s his best friend. That’s it, he's just his best friend and he likes him a lot. Maybe a little too much sometimes but that’s not his fault Pope is so god damn perfect. With his perfect smile and his perfect teeth and perfect grades and the way, he makes JJ feel so fucking special because he likes him too and JJ knows he doesn’t deserve it. It’s hard not to like someone like that just a little bit too much. It doesn’t mean anything.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JJ was fifteen years old when he realized that it did mean something. At this point in his life he had hooked up with lot’s of girls and even some boys (who were all tourons that he made absolute sure he would never have to see again) but Pope was somehow always in the back of his mind. Sometimes, more times than he would ever admit, he pretended it was Pope he was kissing, Pope he was touching, Pope that was whispering in his ear. Only that’s usually when it got a little difficult because when whoever the hell he was with would start to talk or moan in his ear he would be reminded that it wasn’t Pope. It was some random person that JJ didn’t know the name of and didn’t care to remember or even learn. They would be gone in the morning and he would be back on the HMS Pogue sitting next to the boy he was imagining was under him right now.

  
JJ could admit to himself that he liked boys too. Fine whatever. What the fuck was sexuality anyway? Who’s straight anymore? Well besides Pope. Pope was straight. Pope doesn’t look at JJ the way JJ looks at him. His face doesn’t get hot when he sees JJ come up from the water, droplets dripping down his skin disappearing into his swimming trunks wishing to any god he could think of to please make him a water droplet running down Pope Heyward’s body and into his swimming trunks. Pope didn’t think about him when JJ wasn’t around. When Pope was just about all JJ thought about when he wasn’t around. He thought what he was doing, if he was stressing himself to death over some stupid test, if maybe, god just maybe, he might be thinking about him too.

  
When it got to be too much. When Pope was looking exceptionally beautiful in the sun. Or, if he sat too close to JJ and absent mindedly ran a gentle finger over one of his fresh scars or bruises while giving him a knowing and comforting stare. Or, he just looked too fucking adorable when he started talking about something that JJ wouldn’t understand if he tried but could listen to Pope rattle on about until the sun fell out of the sky, JJ would do something about it. He would go home, lock his door, lay down on his bed, and close his eyes. He would let his mind wander to Pope. Pope’s smile. Pope's hand touching him on the boat, running a gentle thumb over a purple bruise on his arm, telling that he knows and that it’s okay. He thinks about Pope touching him somewhere else. Thinks about Pope on top of him. Kissing him, kissing his pain away. Seeing him scarred and bruised and knowing and telling him it’s okay. JJ touches himself but imagines a dark strong hand, perfect smile on his neck. Pope holding him, touching him, loving him. Making him feel special the way he always does.

  
JJ always hates himself after. Ashamed and hurt. Pope will never touch him like that, not beyond JJ’s mind in his low lit bedroom with the door locked. Pope doesn’t want him. He want’s a girl a pretty and smart girl and that’s exactly what he deserves. Pope deserves the world and JJ fucks the world up. Pope will never want him and even if by some inconceivable miracle he did JJ wouldn't deserve it. JJ is 17 when he realizes he is in love with his best friend.


	2. Always Keep You Warm

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I love you more than life, more than breath, more than time. I'm a waste here on my own, when will you come to take me home?"

JJ always preferred the boneyard in the colder months of the year. No annoying tourons and a large majority of the kooks had already been shipped back off to whatever pretentious boarding school they called home during the school year. Leaving most of the attendees to be pogues, the occasional touron, and a handful of kooks that attended the Kook Academy.

JJ sat on a branch facing the water, silently observing the other party-goers while he nursed his third beer of the night and slowly started to feel his buzz set in. There was a slight chill in the air as the late November breeze blew off the ocean hitting the sun-kissed skin on JJ’s face. He let his eyes close while the cool air danced on his skin.

“Someone looks relaxed.”

JJ’s eyes fluttered open and a small smile developed on his face while Pope took a seat beside him. He was holding a plastic cup that JJ knew was full of something that wasn’t alcohol. Pope didn’t drink, he was good like that.

“Nah, Party's just lame it’s puttin me to sleep,” JJ replies coolly and lets himself look over at Pope’s face. Soft and at ease while the moonlight shined down on him, like a spotlight revealing the most important person on the beach.

“Ah I see,” Pope smiled over at JJ. _Don’t do that_ , JJ thought. _Please fuck don’t look at me like that. Not when you look like that and I’m already halfway drunk._ JJ felt another gust of cool wind hit him giving him the perfect excuse to pull his eyes away from the boy beside him.

“Fuck it’s cold tonight.” He shivered and released a long breath while looking back out over the black water in front of them. Pope shrugged. He, of course, had the common sense to wear a jacket while JJ was in a raggedy long sleeve shirt with small holes dotting around the collar

“It’s not that bad,” Pope stated after taking a sip of his drink. _It’s Probably Cherry Coke_ , JJ concluded while watching Pope’s lips meet the plastic cup in his hands. _It’s his favorite_. “I actually kinda like it” Pope looked out over the water and then back at JJ. “It’s nice” He whispered while looking at JJ’s face, who was looking far too interested in the ocean for someone who had lived on it his entire life.

JJ slowly turned his head back to Pope and their eyes met for a moment. “Yeah I guess it’s kinda nice” he whispered back and then cleared his throat a little too loudly before turning his head back and ran a hand up and down his arm.  
“Here,” Pope uttered while beginning to unzip his navy windbreaker. “I’m seriously not cold at all, just take my jacket.” This was enough to make JJ’s head snap back to Pope, and he immediately shook his head “No dude I’m fine.” JJ mustered every bit of self-control he had in him to try and sound casual. As if the thought of wearing Pope’s jacket didn’t speed up his heart rate and warm his cheeks. Really he wore Pope’s clothes all the time, John B’s too. As years went on the three of them pretty much just shared their wardrobes with each other. Grabbing whatever t-shirt or shorts that were closest when they spent nights at the chateau or summer days on the boat. That didn’t mean JJ exactly trusted himself to wear Pope’s jacket.

It was bad enough when he would see Pope walking around in one of his t-shirts like it was made for him to wear. Back muscles stretched over thin material, doing things to JJ that they shouldn’t be doing while in a confined boat in the middle of the water with his friends surrounding him.

Pope knew that small gestures like someone wanting to prevent him from being cold were a lot to JJ. Besides him and the other pogues, JJ didn’t receive much positive attention from anybody. Pope never could understand why. Sure JJ was loud and at times destructive, but he usually meant well. Besides, there was a lot more to the blonde boy than that. JJ was perhaps the most loyal person he knew, he cared about his friends and there wasn’t anything he wouldn’t do for the people he loved. He was also funny and sweet and surprisingly gentle. If people would take more than 10 minutes before passing their negative judgment on the poor kid they would see that too. He yearned for attention and validation and god Pope wanted to give it to him so badly he always wanted to give it to him. Wanted to wrap his best friend in his arms and hold him and tell him that he was so special, so wanted, and so much more than he thought he was.

Pope also knew that JJ Maybank was fucking beautiful. Blue eyes that Pope wanted to swim in, tan skin that he constantly craved to touch, and blonde hair that smelled like saltwater and was just begging to have Pope’s fingers run through it. Of course, most people knew this about JJ, anyone with eyes could see it. That’s why when a pretty touron would sit on JJ’s lap and whisper in his ear Pope would tear his eyes away and force himself to not be mad at them. They just had the balls to do what he didn’t. To pull JJ close to him wrap him up in his jacket and tell him that he doesn’t fucking want him to be cold.

“Are you sure?” Pope asked “I was gonna take it off anyway.” he lied and fully unzipped his windbreaker and began pushing it off his shoulders hoping that it would impact JJ enough to take it from him.

JJ swallowed while watching popes movement and in one swift drink he polished off the rest of his beer and crushed the can in his hand. “Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled and snatched the jacket out of Pope’s hand and threw it around his shoulders. JJ Immediately became engulfed in the warmth of Pope’s windbreaker. The alcohol heightened JJ’s senses, and he smelt Pope all around him. Making him want to jump over into Pope’s lap and bury his nose in his neck to get more of it. Always needing more Pope. Never getting enough.

A sheepish smile appeared on Pope’s face as he looked over at his friend. _Cute_ , He thought. _Of course, he looks better in it than I do_. The blue brought out his eyes and it was a little looser on JJ than it was on Pope. _So fucking cute_.

“There you guys are!” a voice called snapping both boys out of their thoughts and bringing their eyes up to meet Kie strolling towards them. She wore a carefree smile on her face as she took a seat next to Pope. “If I have to watch John B. and Sarah suck face for one more second I swear I’m gonna puke.”

Pope made a face. John B and Sarah were a pretty affectionate couple anyways but get a few drinks in them, and they were like dogs in heat.

“God I really don’t feel like listening to them fuck all night,” JJ mumbled, wishing that he had anther beer but not bad enough to actually get up and go get one. Most nights he spent sleeping on John B’s couch avoiding his own home at all costs but, he’d rather not fall asleep to the sound of Sarah and John B moaning each other’s names.

“Tell me about it,” Kiara scrunched up her nose and took a long sip from her cup.

Pope licked his lips and cleared his throat “Hey J you can crash at my place tonight if you want,” He offered as nonchalantly as possible. Hoping that whatever alcohol Kie was sipping on would keep her observant ass from noticing the slight eagerness that escaped from his voice.

JJ had probably stayed over at Pope’s house hundreds of times before but it always caught him off guard when Pope offered. He wasn’t entirely sure if he trusted himself to spend the night with Pope given his state but, he definitely didn’t want to go home with John B and Sarah and he knew he couldn’t go to his own house and Pope’s jacket felt so comfortable and he really didn’t want to have to take it off. “Yeah if that’s cool with you” he nodded, not looking over at Pope to meet his pleased eyes.

“Well,” Kiara started after finishing up her drink “the party’s dying anyway, you guys wanna head home now?” she asked while standing up and turning to face the boys. Pope nodded standing up with her and JJ followed soon after grabbing his crushed beer can from the ground. Knowing that Kie would give him an earful if he didn’t. “Yeah, I’m ready if you guys are.”

Kie picked up forgotten plastic cups and beer cans scattered across the path they walked to leave the beach, mumbling about how “No one has any respect for their planet.”

JJ felt Pope’s hand graze his as they walked slowly behind Kie. He kept his head forward half scanning the beach for John B half ignoring the burning urge to grab Pope’s hand while they walked. After a few seconds, JJ felt it happen again. A soft brush of a hand against his own. Pressing his lips together JJ gently bumped his hand against Pope’s causing a small smile to form on the other boy’s face that was gone faster than it came.

They kept up this little game for a few more steps before John B and Sarah came into view and Kiara called out for them. “Hey, guys were gonna head out!” She exclaimed to them while tossing the trash in her arms into a bin near the boardwalk.

“I’m gonna crash at Pope’s tonight” JJ called out to them “So you two can fuck in peace!”

Sarah’s eyes widened and her cheeks turned bright red “JJ!” she yelled at the same time that John B called out “Dude!” while he tossed a small rock he was fiddling with in JJ’s direction with no actual intent in hitting him.

JJ chuckled and Pope smiled at him while he slightly dodged the small rock that John B threw. “Hey you should be thanking me” he teased before Pope touched his arm leading him up the boardwalk away from the beach. “Come on let’s go” He smiled and JJ prayed that Pope would hook his arm around his shoulder and lead him the rest of the way. But alas, Pope dropped his arm back to his side, and instead of letting Pope graze his fingers again, JJ bunched up his hands in the leftover material of Pope’s jacket. Touching gave him too much hope.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The boys quietly snuck into Pope’s house and tiptoed up to his room, careful not to wake Mr. and Mrs. Heyward, who were no doubt fast asleep downstairs. The minute Pope’s door closed JJ dramatically threw himself onto Pope’s bed headfirst and groaned into his pillow. “Fuck I’m so tired!” Pope chuckled at him.

“Quiet before you wake my parents” He whispered to the blonde but the smile never left his face.

JJ rolled himself onto his back and smiled sleepily up at Pope. “Sorry” He whispered loudly. Earning him a half-hearted eye roll and another smile from Pope. JJ loved that look. The JJ look. An admiring smile accompanied by an eye roll that Pope reserved just for the energetic blonde. Pope would look at him like that when he made stupid jokes or did something over the top just to receive attention from others. Attention from Pope.

“You gonna stop being so cute and put some pajamas on, so we can go to sleep” The words left Pope’s mouth before he even realized what he was saying. A look of panic and wide eyes quickly replacing the soft smile. JJ propped himself up on his elbows and his mouth gaped open slightly while looking over at Pope. “W-what?” he stuttered.

If he didn’t know any better he could have sworn Pope Heyward just called him cute while he was laying in HIS bed, wearing HIS jacket, while looking at him like he put the fucking stars in the sky.

“I said stop...stop trying to be cute, so we can go to bed,” Pope said, trying to steady his voice. He turned away from JJ and headed over to his dresser to pull out clothes for them to sleep in. He prayed to god that JJ was too drunk to notice his slip up while JJ sat on his bed thinking that he was just drunk and Pope didn’t mean anything by what he said.

Pope doesn’t think he’s cute. Why fucking would he? He’s broken and bruised and scarred. He’s annoying as fuck and he’s lucky that Pope even offered to let him stay over. Lucky that Pope puts up with his shit at all.

Pope turned back to the bed and handed JJ a pair of sweats and an old Heyward’s t-shirt. JJ took the pile of clothes from Pope and stood up reluctantly taking off the windbreaker that Pope had given to him earlier.

The boys slipped into their pajamas both careful to keep their eyes off the other while they shredded their clothes. Pope turned and let himself admire the fact that this was the second time tonight that he got to see JJ in his clothes. Not a bad night if you ask him.

JJ chewed on his bottom lip. Pope knew he did that when he was nervous. Digging his teeth into his soft pink lips until they were bright red and sometimes until they bled. Pope wanted so bad to walk over to him and kiss his lips just to make him stop. Just to assure him that in this room with him he was safe, and he could leave his nervous ticks outside as cute as they might be, he didn't need them in here.

Pope sat laid down on his bed scooting close to the wall allowing JJ to crawl in beside him. It was too late, and they were both too tired to deal with getting the air mattress out. JJ turned off the light and crawled onto the bed laying down on his back next to Pope. The only light in the room being the moon seeping in through the window.

“Pope” JJ whispered into the darkness of Pope’s bedroom.

“Yeah?” Pope answered looking up at the glowing stars on his ceiling that had faded over the years. “Thank you,” JJ said, turning his head to look at the side of Pope’s face. He wasn’t exactly sure what he was thankful for. He was thankful for a lot of things that Pope did. For his gentle touches, for that certain smile that was just for JJ, for making him feel special even though he wasn’t.

“For letting me wear your jacket tonight” He whispered. “I really was cold” _Lame._ He thought. _You’re so fucking lame Maybank._

Pope turned his head over to look at JJ. Their noses were almost touching, and he could just make out the soft features of JJ’s face thanks to the moonlight dancing over them. “Anytime” Pope breathed out, the corners of his lips rising slightly. _Anything for you, ever._

Not long after that, the two boys drifted to sleep. Noses touching and Pope’s arm thrown securely over JJ’s waist. Wrapped up in each other safe and warm with the rest of the world locked outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first official chapter! I can't with these boys. Sorry for any grammar or spelling mistakes.  
> Feedback is very much appreciated! :)


	3. I Spent the Morning Watching You Wake Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "How do you decorate inside your head? You had said I was special. Spent the morning watching you wake you. You seem blissful."

Pope groaned as the sun-light tapped against his face forcing one of his heavy eyes open to peek at the light coming in through his window. He blinked, shut his eyes, blinked again then yawned, and finally managed to fully open both eyes. He rubbed his eyes so that they would adjust quicker to the morning rays and then became aware of the sleeping boy wrapped around him.

He carefully rolled onto his side to face JJ, mindful to not disrupt his friend’s sleep or move his arm that was still wrapped around JJ’s waist from the night before. Pope smiled when his nose was just a few inches away from JJ’s as he watched him sleep. His features were much softer as he slept, the lines that usually creased his forehead were replaced with an almost childlike innocence of a boy that hadn’t been the victim of over 17 years of emotional and physical abuse. He looked peaceful. He looked safe. Wanting nothing more than to curl up into the curve of his body and keep JJ there forever, safe in his bed, Pope pressed his lips together and gently removed his arm from the blonde’s waist. He silently dared himself to touch JJ’s hair, just to see if it was as soft as it looked. He held his breath while he gently pushed the blonde strands that had fallen into his eyes while he slept, trying to keep his unruly blonde hair from falling back into his face. Pope let his thumb linger on JJ’s forehead for a few seconds, soothing the lines of worry and anger, wishing that JJ could look this serene all the time and not just while he slept.

Pope finally removed his hand and let it drop by his side. He knew that he shouldn’t be watching his friend sleep. It was weird and he guessed a little disrespectful. He wouldn’t want anyone to watch him sleep, of course, he knew that he didn’t look half as beautiful as JJ did when he was asleep. So really it’s JJ’s fault for being so fucking pretty all the time and for falling asleep with both arms wrapped around him like Pope was his lifeline to safety or something. 

Pope sighed quietly, his eyes scanning over JJ’s angelic face.  _ He’s so beautiful _ . He thought and was immensely grateful that today was Saturday and he didn’t have to worry about the two boys getting up for school. What monster would wake this fucking gorgeous boy up? Especially when he looks like THAT? Like a work of art laying in Pope’s twin size bed sleeping on his _ Star Wars  _ sheets. JJ squeezed his eyes tight and snuggled closer to Pope while letting out some of the most adorable groans that Pope has ever heard.

Pope stiffened a little. JJ was completely wrapped around him and the few inches of distance that Pope left between them was now gone. JJ’s lips were slightly parted while gentle snores escaped. Pope swallowed hard, all he had to do was lean in. Just the tilt of his head and his lips would be on JJ’s.  _ It’s not fair. It’s not fucking fair.  _ He knew he was hard. He was already half-erect when he woke up but with JJ clutching him tightly, looking so beautiful, and only being about a millimeter from his lips, he now had a full-on boner and there was absolutely nothing he could do about it and the whole situation was so not fucking fair.

He couldn’t blame JJ. Not that he would even if it was his fault. But it wasn’t, it’s not JJ’s fault he’s attractive and it’s not JJ’s fault that he’s touch starved and likes to cuddle and it’s definitely not JJ’s fault that his best friend is a disgusting pervert that gets off on watching him sleep. 

A few more seconds passed before Pope felt JJ shift around him. The blonde groaned and slowly lifted his head before immediately releasing the tight hold that he had around his friend. JJ’s eyes grew wide and a pink blush formed on his cheeks while he pulled the comforter over him quickly. Pope wasn’t sure what JJ could possibly be trying to cover up but he still sat up quickly and scooted closer to the wall and away from JJ while he felt his own face heat up. 

“Fuck man, I’m-I’m sorry” JJ stuttered out, his cheeks still bright red. “I didn’t know I was all over you like that.” He chuckled awkwardly like this was something that happened to bros all the time. 

Pope shook his head while attempting to look as casual as JJ was trying to sound. “No don’t worry about it,” he said cooly and let out a fake yawn. “I just woke up. I didn’t even notice.”, he lied.  _ Yeah. I totally haven’t been watching you sleep for the past 10 minutes or anything.  _

JJ nodded slowly and finally let go of the comforter that he was clutching, letting out yet another awkward chuckle. “Cool.” he nodded and cleared his throat. 

Pope had never wanted JJ to leave, he always wanted him around. But, right now he would give anything for the blonde to disappear so that he could take care of the now very painful erection in his sweatpants, that was getting worse from looking at JJ’s bedhead. 

“Yeah Cool,” Pope agreed and chewed on the inside of his cheek. “So, um, I’m gonna go take a shower real quick”, he said while crawling down his bed awkwardly, trying to avoid JJ getting a clear view of his erection. 

“O-okay” JJ scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion while watching his friend shuffle down the bed and out of his room without even waiting for a response. He ran his fingers through his messy blonde hair and let out a long-winded sigh.  _ Fuck. _

JJ didn’t know what he wished more, that he hadn’t been hanging all over Pope like that all night, or that he could have just have stayed wrapped up in Pope’s safe warm embrace for the rest of the day. Okay, that was a lie. He knew which scenario that he preferred but, the second was only fantasy and now Pope is probably hiding in the bathroom thinking about what a freak he is.  _ You made him uncomfortable. He let you spend the night, he let you sleep in his bed and you made him fucking uncomfortable.  _

JJ leaned against Pope’s headboard and closed his eyes. Last night was the best he’d slept in a few weeks. His nightmares had been getting worse and The Routledge couch wasn’t the most comfortable place in the world to sleep. Not that he was ungrateful. He wasn’t at all, in fact, JJ felt as though he was eternally indebted to Big John and JB for all they had done for him over the years, especially giving him a place to sleep anytime he needed one. Nonetheless, sleeping alone on a 15-year-old couch that smelled like spilled beer and cigarette smoke was nothing compared to sleeping the warmth and safety of Pope’s bed with his arms wrapped around him and his face buried in Pope’s neck. 

For whatever reason, JJ figured out a long time ago that just being near Pope made him feel safe or, at the very least less on edge than he normally was. He guessed it was because Pope seemed to understand JJ more than others. Even more than John B and Kie. Pope never really seemed bothered by JJ’s antics but would also call him on his bullshit in a way that didn’t make him feel stupid. He got him. No matter how different the two were, he just got him. 

Pope also noticed things that others didn’t. No matter how good of a show JJ would be putting on, somehow Pope always saw through it. When a beating was especially bad leaving his ribcage black and blue, forcing JJ to keep his shirt on while he and the rest of the pogues were out on the boat, Pope would keep his shirt on too. While John B and Kie would strip to their swimsuits and jump into the water or lounge on the boat, Pope would make up some fake excuse about being cold, or not being in the mood for a swim, and would stay fully clothed on the boat with JJ. Understanding, but not asking questions. 

Sometimes Pope would touch him. JJ loved to touch, not just Pope but all of his friends. He would always wrap his arm around John B’s shoulders and constantly initiate a handshake with him or he would ruffle Kie’s hair (No matter how pissed off she would get when he did) and help her on and off the boat. Just little things to ensure JJ that they were there and they were his friends and that he was allowed to touch them. That he had people that he could touch. 

Pope was different. While his touches for JB and Kie were always intentional and sportive, JJ sometimes couldn’t help but touch Pope. Little touches, always just little touches. His chest, his arms, his cheek, letting his fingers linger too long. Pope would touch him too. He would gently run his finger over JJ’s bruises and scars in a way that almost seemed like Pope was supposed to do it. Like it was his job to gently touch and soothe every contusion and blemish that ever formed on JJ’s skin and release all the pain and humiliation that came along with them. JJ wondered if Pope’s fingers could do all of that, what his lips would do if they ever were to gently graze one of the many marks covering JJ’s body. _ I guess I’d probably just die.  _

JJ’s eyes snapped back open when Pope emerged back through the door with a towel around his waist and water droplets slowly trickling down his smooth dark skin.  _ Okay, dude fuck you. _

Pope smiled at JJ “Ya gonna get up or are you gonna lay around in my bed all day?” he teased and tossed an old T-shirt at the blonde sitting on his bed, bottom half still covered by the comforter. 

JJ was unphased with the T-shirt hit his face and landed on his unexposed lap.  _ Or.  _ He thought.  _ You could get back in bed and let me lick every drop of water off your body if that’s cool.  _ “Fuck off I’m comfy” he bit back light-heartedly.  _ I’m enjoying the view.  _

Pope chuckled and turned around to dig in his dresser drawer for an outfit to put on. JJ forced his eyes away. It was one thing to stare at his friend when he was looking back at him but looking at his ass knowing that if that towel slipped even a little all of JJ’s dreams would come true was another. He looked around at any and everything that wasn’t a wet Pope in a towel. The  _ Lord of the Rings  _ poster hanging on Pope’s door, a bookshelf cluttered with books some that JJ recognized and others that he didn’t, pictures of Pope taped on his wall, some with his parents but mostly with the pogues. JJ’s eyes lingered a little on Pope’s smile in a picture of the four of them during an early summer day on the HMS Pogue before finally turning his head and spotting Pope’s old skateboard in the corner of his room. 

Pope used to skate all the time when he was a kid before he replaced it with surfing. JJ remembered how cool 12 year old him thought it was that Pope knew how to skateboard. He had asked his dad for a skateboard for his birthday that year so that he could learn but, he got a black eye and a cigarette burn on his arm instead. JJ cringed at the memory and turned back to see Pope was now wearing a pair of boxers and a blue long sleeve shirt. 

Pope took notice of the slightly haunted expression on JJ’s face and walked closer to him. “Whatcha thinkin about?” He asked sounding nonchalant but JJ didn’t miss the concern in his eyes.  _ How does he always know? _

JJ looked up at his friend forcing a smile on his face and then his eyes went back to the skateboard. “Just about how you’ve never taught me how to skateboard” He lied with a hint of teasing in his voice. 

Pope chuckled “Well you never asked.” he teased back causing JJ to finally push the comforter off of himself and stretch. 

“Yeah well, you should have offered,” JJ smirked and lightly kicked Pope’s bare leg with his foot. “I mean I taught you how to surf I think it’s only fair that you teach me how to skate.”

Pope smiled and rolled his eyes at him.  _ The JJ look.  _ “Impeccable logic,” He said sarcastically. 

JJ smiled and finally stood up from the bed and picked up his shirt from last night off the floor “Yeah well that’s me, Impeccable” He joked as he shredded Pope’s shirt and put on his own. “So, ya gonna teach me or not?” He asked 

Pope smiled “What you mean today?” He asked keeping his eyes on JJ’s face while he took off his shirt. 

“What? You got a date?” JJ quipped sarcastically, despite the mere thought of Pope not hanging out with him because he had romantic plans with someone else making his heartache in his chest. “You don’t have time for JJ?” he used an over the top sad voice while batting his eyes at Pope and sticking his bottom lip out for extra dramatic effect. 

JJ was lucky Pope didn’t shove him against the wall and kiss that stupid adorable fucking pout off his face. “Shut up” Pope shoved JJ’s arm and walked back to his dresser to pull on a pair of jeans earning a chuckle from the other boy. “Whatever, I’ll teach you.” He started while pulling on the pants that he grabbed from the drawer. “But here,” he grabbed a red sweatshirt and tossed it over to JJ. “It’s almost December dude you can’t just walk around in T-shirts anymore”

JJ chewed on the inside of his cheek to keep the smile from forming on his face. He pulled the sweatshirt over his head and breathed in Pope’s scent, cheap cologne mixed with the fresh smell of the beach. It was JJ’s favorite smell. JJ himself probably smelled like cigarettes and sweat, definitely not a scent someone would savor when they put on his clothes. 

Pope turned back to JJ and smiled.  _ I might as well just give all of my clothes to JJ.  _ He thought.  _ Nothing I own looks half as good on me as it does on him.  _ Seeing JJ in his clothes always made Pope’s insides burn. The way that everything was just a tiny bit bigger on JJ than they were on Pope and yet somehow they still looked like they just belonged on JJ’s body. 

Pope cleared his throat and clapped his hands together “Alright J, grab the board so we can go.” He told his friend forcing himself to stop thinking about the pretty blonde boy wearing his clothes for the third time in 24 hours. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Once the boys found a clear cement spot for JJ to practice, Pope dropped the skateboard onto the concrete and gestured for JJ to come closer. “Okay J, the most important part of skating is planting your feet,” Pope explained and stopped onto the skateboard showing him the correct position. 

JJ nodded slowly and as he observed Pope’s stance on the board “Seems easy enough.” he said while Pope stepped off the board nodding in agreement. “Yeah I mean it’s really a lot like surfing and your the best surfer I know so..” Pope trailed off, not noticing the pink tint that rose on JJ’s cheeks at the compliment. 

“You think I’m the best?” JJ asked hoping that his need for reassurance wasn’t super obvious in his voice. Compliments from Pope meant a lot to JJ and the thought that Pope even considered him to be the best at anything made butterflies form in his belly.  _ Jesus, he makes me feel like a 13-year-old girl with a lame crush.  _ JJ mentally rolled his eyes at himself. 

Pope instantly looked at JJ’s face.“Yeah man, I mean you taught me everything I know and I’m obviously the second-best surfer around here” he teased and showed off a toothy smile that made JJ’s heart melt. 

JJ laughed softly and licked his already chapped lips while looking down coyly and then back up at Pope meeting his bright eyes. Pope cleared his throat and looked away before he got so lost in the blonde’s pale blue eyes that he couldn’t find his way out. “Okay, so let’s get started,” Pope stated hastily while looking down at the rickety skateboard. 

“So, like I said skating has a lot of the same fundamentals as surfing and since you’re a beginner your whole focus needs to be staying on the board and not falling off.” Pope explained and then looked over at JJ sternly “That means don’t go full JJ on me and immediately start trying to do kickflips and slide downstairs.” He half-joked while keeping a stern look on his face because he knows that that is exactly the kind of stuff JJ would try to do. He couldn’t be too upset about it though, it was part of what Pope loved about the blonde, he was absolutely fearless and it was sexy as hell. 

JJ pouted slightly and creased his forehead.  _ Well, then how the fuck am I supposed to impress you dumbass.  _ “Oh come on Pope don’t lie” He smirked “You love it when I go full JJ” he attempted to step onto the board before Pope quickly moved it back with his foot almost making JJ lose his balance. 

“Hey” Pope stated firmly putting his pointer finger in the air to express just how serious he was. “I’m not done explaining the basics yet”. He purposely dodged the comment about him liking when JJ goes full JJ because yeah duh, of course, he likes it when JJ goes full JJ it’s hot as fuck. Of course, he didn’t like it as much as when Pope was able to pull him back and keep him from doing something mindless just for attention and JJ listened too him. Pope’s face warmed at the thought and it made him feel a little dirty, but a small part of him (Okay it was a big part of him) really liked it when JJ did what he said. 

JJ sighed dramatically “Uuugghh!” He complained like a child that wasn’t getting his way and stuffed his hand into his (Pope’s) sweatshirt. Pope just smiled and shook his head, kicking the skateboard back into place. 

“Okay, now you use pretty much all the same lower body muscles in skating that you do in surfing so endurance should be no problem for you”, Pope explained and JJ immediately perked up “Oh endurance is never a problem for me” JJ smiled brightly at his Joke and winked at Pope. 

Pope shook his head and pressed his lips together to hide his smile. “Are you done?” he asked JJ, attempting to sound unimpressed. 

“No dude I just said I can go all night.” JJ quipped, finally earning a laugh from the boy beside him. Pope rolled his eyes while the laugh escaped and it just made JJ smile brighter.  _ The JJ look.  _

“This would really go a lot faster if you could just attempt to keep your ADHD ass in check.” Pope teased and JJ put his hands up in mock defense indicating that he was done joking about his sex drive. 

“Now you’re definitely gonna have some trouble with this one” Pope crossed his arms while looking at JJ “But focus is also really important when it comes to skating” he warned. “Maybe try and keep that blonde mind of yours focused on what you’re doing so that your head doesn’t crack open.” Pope ruffled JJ’s messy hair with a smirk. 

JJ thanked the cool breeze in the air for an excuse as too why his cheeks were so red. “Oh, I get it” JJ nodded “Cause it’s a lot easier to bust your head open on the concrete than it is on the water huh?” JJ smiled and snapped his fingers as if he had just cracked the Davinci Code. 

“Good job J.” Pope laughed and shook his head while stepping back from the board. “And other than that just please be careful and don’t hurt yourself.” He warned sounding suddenly serious. 

JJ stepped towards the board and pulled his hands out of the sweatshirt pocket to give him more balance. Pope stepped beside JJ and took a hold of his arm while he stepped on the board. JJ’s arm burned where Pope held him up and nervously looked over, his face dangerously close to Pope’s. “So I just kick-off?” he spoke quietly while looking into Pope’s eyes. 

Pope swallowed while he looked into JJ’s blue orbs. His nose and cheeks were tinted a light pink from the crisp winter air and his lips were bright red and clearly chapped.  _ Please stop biting your lip _ . All Pope wanted to do was kiss him. Kiss him till his face was warm and his lips weren’t chapped. That wasn’t an actual thing that a person could do but Pope didn’t care. 

Pope licked his lips and nodded slowly “Yeah” he whispered back and snapped himself back to reality. Reality sucks. Pope would much rather stay in JJ Land where he could stare at the beautiful boy all day long. He slowly took a step back reluctantly letting his hand release JJ’s arm and tucked his hands into his pockets. 

JJ suddenly felt unusually cold when Pope let go of him and released his arm.  _ Fuck skating.  _ JJ thwarted. He just wanted Pope close to him again, keeping him warm and steady. JJ rapidly kicked himself off sending him forward much faster than he was ready for. 

Pope’s eyes widened and he quickly pulled his hands out of his pocket and lunged forward stepping in front of JJ and placing his hands firmly on his shoulders, keeping him from face planting on the concrete. 

JJ quickly took one foot off the board in an attempt to steady himself while Pope grabbed his shoulders.  _ Bingo _ . JJ thought pressing his lips together to hide his smirk. “Woah. I guess I took off a little to fast huh?” he lied, enjoying the warmth of Pope’s hands clutching his shoulders. 

Pope nodded not letting go of JJ as he looked him up and down “Yeah are you alright?” he asked quickly “That could have been bad if you fell.” He told JJ and his hands seemed to only grip the boy’s shoulders tighter at the thought. 

JJ let out a breathy laugh and locked eyes with Pope.  _ Shut up and hug me bitch I’m cold.  _ “Well, maybe you should just stay beside me in case I accidentally go full JJ again” He smiled. Pope laughed softly and dropped his head before he looked back up into JJ’s blue eyes and released his grip on the other boy’s shoulders. “I guess that’s not a bad idea” Pope agreed. 

JJ couldn’t even attempt to hide the smile on his face, while Pope fully released his shoulders and stepped beside him grabbing a hold of JJ’s arm once again. “Now maybe go a little slower this time, Flash” Pope joked. JJ smiled at this and nodded. “Got it. Slow and steady”, He agreed. 

JJ gently kicked off the concrete and then planted both of his feet on the board, happy that Pope was holding his arm and walking alongside him keeping him from falling off the board. Pope was right, it really did feel a lot like surfing, only way easier. He definitely didn’t need his friend to hold him up, but if it takes being a little  disingenuous to keep Pope’s hands on him then damn it that was what he was going to do. 

Pope walked alongside JJ pulling him along. Technically, JJ wasn’t even really skating he was just being pulled by Pope while he stood on the skateboard. Not that Pope minded at all. This way he could keep JJ from cracking his head on the concrete and also he got to hold onto the blonde, being close enough that he could smell him. A faint scent of weed, with a mixture of ocean water, and something else that Pope could only describe as “JJ”. If Pope could he would take that smell and turn it into a candle and let it constantly burn in his room. 

“You know, I think I’m a natural” JJ joked while Pope turned him around to go back down the concrete path. Pope chuckled at this “Oh yeah you’re a regular Tony Hawk there J” He teased while looking over at the blonde. JJ just smiled “Hey I’m sure all great skaters started out like this,” he said in a mock offended voice. 

“What, with their friends pulling them while they just stand on the board doing nothing?” Pope teased making JJ laugh “Hey I think I’m doin’ pretty good” he defended himself. “Ya know, I don’t even think I need you anymore.” 

“Oh yeah?” Pope quipped back and abruptly tugged JJ’s arm pulling the blonde off the board, making a startled noise and landing in Pope’s arms. Pope laughed loudly at this while instinctively wrapping his arms around JJ’s waist. 

Once JJ got his barrings he stared laughing too “Oh you think that’s funny huh?” He beamed looking at Pope’s face. “Yeah, I do.” Pope continued laughing while locking eyes with JJ. 

The laughter of both boys slowly died down as they realized the position that they were in. Pope’s hands were firmly panted on JJ’s hips while JJ’s hands gripped Pope’s upper arms, feeling his biceps through the shirt he was wearing. 

Pope swallowed and his lips parted slightly while he held the other boy close to him. Their noses were almost touching. All one of them had to do was lean forward, just an inch and it would be over.  _ Kiss him. Kiss him. Kiss him.  _

JJ’s heart pounded in his chest. Pope wasn’t pulling away, he was right there holding him just like JJ always wanted. His eyes scanned down from Pope’s to meet his lips, slightly parted and waiting. JJ’s mind was clouding up. Maybe this was a dream and he was going to wake up in Pope’s bed and none of this was actually happening. Or maybe Pope didn’t reach him in time and JJ really did crack his head open on the pavement and now he had died and gone to heaven. No. JJ knew better than to believe he’d be allowed into heaven. No matter what it was, JJ was sick of waiting and his head was just foggy enough to not stop him.  _ Fuck it.  _

The moment JJ began to lean forward the deafening sound of a car door slamming shut in the nearby distance shocked the two boys out of one another’s embrace, leaving them both standing in front of each other breathless. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 3! I owe the skateboarding part to @katie-mcgreat on Tumblr it was adorable and I just had to write it. Also, I'm so sorry I know absolutely nothing about skateboarding or surfing I just assumed that they were pretty similar. Pope is the smartest dumbass that the world has ever seen and JJ just needs a hug.  
> Feedback is always appreciated :)


	4. Chateau (Feel Alright)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I turn back the time, I'm at the Chateau and I feel alright. I turn back the time, I'm at the Chateau and I feel alright."

_ Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck.  _ JJ’s mind was racing and his heart was pounding in his ears. The boys didn’t break eye contact after they broke apart, they just stood there staring at each other and breathing hard for what felt like an eternity but couldn’t have been longer than a few seconds. Pope was the first to look away when a rowdy group of people blaring obnoxious rap music began clamoring towards them. JJ eventually drew his eyes away as well and tried to steady his breath and his heartbeat. As the group grew closer it was obvious that it was a herd of kooks no doubt on their way to the concrete path to drink beer and play loud music away from the watchful eyes of their parents. 

Pope’s eyes widened slightly as they came into view. His entire world was almost rocked and the absolute last thing he wanted was to get into a scuffle with a bunch of rich assholes when he was like a millimeter away from kissing the hottest guy on the island. He turned back to JJ and grabbed the cuff of his sweatshirt. “Come on I don’t feel like fucking with them today”, He stated while beginning to tug JJ away. 

JJ really didn’t feel like dealing with a bunch of asshole kooks right now either but for all he knew if it weren’t for them he could be kissing Pope right now. Of course, Pope probably would have pulled away, freaked out and disgusted, so maybe he actually owed them one. He let Pope pull him away after he picked up the skateboard and tucked it under his arm.

_ Please don’t try and talk about it.  _ JJ pleaded silently as they walked back down the concrete path to an unknown destination.  _ Please, Pope, I swear to god I’ll never try to kiss you again just please please don’t bring it up.  _ JJ’s heart was still beating faster than normal. He’d done some pretty stupid shit in his life but nothing that he had ever done got his adrenaline pumping like it did when his lips almost connected with Pope’s. His heart probably would have exploded if it actually would have happened. Especially, since the mere thought of it was making JJ’s breath quicken again. 

“You okay?” Pope asked softly while looking over at JJ. He had already dropped the hold he had on his sweatshirt but he desperately wanted to grab JJ’s hand. He opted for shoving his hands in his pockets before he did something stupid. 

JJ was snapped out of his thoughts and looked over at Pope. “Oh yeah I’m cool”, He said casually and threw on a playful smile. “Just fuckin kooks ya know?”, He shoved his hands into the pockets of his sweatshirt “I mean just as I’m actually starting to get the hang of the whole skating thing they have to show up and ruin everything”, He teased.

This earned a small chuckle from Pope “Dude whatever you sucked”, He poked back. “You should stick to surfing” he smiled over at the blonde. “Hey don’t blame the student when it’s obviously the teacher’s fault” JJ joked, earning a slight shove from Pope.

“All the teacher did was keep you from falling on your ass”, Pope defended himself playfully. “You’re just unteachable.”, He told his friend and JJ put his hands up in mock defense “Okay fine agree to disagree” JJ teased “Even though it was totally your fault”, He whispered with a smirk.

Pope gave JJ’s shoulder another shove “Shut up”, He bit back with a smile. JJ smiled softly and looked down to the ground and licked his lips. “Wanna call up the Pogues?”, Pope asked after a few seconds of silence. “See if they wanna hang out?”

_ No.  _ Don’t get him wrong JJ loved his friends and he loved being around them but, he was really enjoying having Pope all to himself. However, as previous events have shown, he knew he really couldn’t trust himself around Pope alone. “Yeah”, He said happily “Let’s get the band together and go fuck some shit up.” JJ joked. 

Pope rolled his eyes while he pulled his phone out of his pocket “Yeah or we could just go get something to eat.” He said in a monotone with a slight smile. JJ shrugged “You’re no fun”, Pope sent the remaining Pogues a message, and JJ felt his phone buzz in his pocket but knew that it was just Pope messaging the group chat. Besides the Pogues, not many other people texted him.

“Welp while we wait, you wanna head over to the Chateau?” JJ asked his friend. The Chateau was the best place for the Pogues to all meetup. Like children running to their parent’s bed in the middle of the night, it was a place where they all felt safe and wanted. Protected within the wooden walls from the outside world where they were mere outcasts. Throwaway fish. No matter how big or small his problem ever was, JJ knew that the Chateau was there for him. A warm couch, a decent meal, and his best friend offering a cold beer and a smile whenever he needed it. 

Pope nodded slowly and shrugged, his hands now stuffed back into his pockets. “Yeah sure”, he agreed. In the silence following, Pope began to think about the kiss that the two nearly shared.  _ Was it a kiss?  _ He thought. He could have sworn JJ was leaning in but, then again it was probably just wishful thinking. Really, Pope was too caught up in those blue orbs to notice much else, so he was probably just overthinking it. He did that a lot. Pope had a tendency to overthink every detail all the time. He knew that it annoyed his friends sometimes, that he couldn’t be carefree and go with the flow like them, but he just couldn’t. The only person that never gave him shit about it was JJ. JJ was his lifeline, his anchor pulling him back in when he began to drift. The only person that could make him forget about whatever was taking over his mind. Hell, every time JJ put his hands on Pope’s shoulders and looked into his eyes, easing him out of whatever panic he got himself lost in, he forgot about the entire rest of the world. Pope’s mind melted into JJ, JJ, JJ and he would always find his peace. 

The mere thought that someday JJ wouldn’t be there to pull him back absolutely terrified him. Pope hated thinking about it but he knew that one day, one day petrifyingly soon, he would have to leave the island. Go off and begin his higher education somewhere far away from his childhood home and far away from the only pair of blue eyes in the world that kept him from drifting away into his own exhausting thoughts. Pope chewed on the inside of his cheeks. He wanted to stop in his tracks and pull JJ into his arms. Drag him onto a ferry and force him to hide in his dorm room until he graduated so that he never had to be without him. He wanted to grab JJ’s hand and never let go. But he didn’t. He just kept his hands stuffed tightly in his pockets and continued walking. 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

The boys didn’t bother knocking when they finally reached the Chateau. JJ couldn’t recall a time when he didn’t just walk into the front door as if it were his own home. It was a nice feeling. Knowing that he had a place in this world that he could just walk into without worry. He knew that most people went through life without ever having to even think about that but, JJ wasn’t most people, and his home was broken as fuck thank you very much. 

The pair sauntered inside and were greeted with the warmed air of the home, heating up their chilled bodies. Pope immediately unzipped his jacket and tossed it onto the couch while JJ poked his head down the hallway. “JB?” he called out “Time to stop fucking your girlfriend and come out and play!” He exclaimed in a playful tone. Pope laughed softly and strolled into the kitchen to grab a couple of Pepsis from the fridge.

When no one returned JJ’s shouts he scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion and walked to Big John's office and knocked on the closed door. “Big John ya here?” He asked but was once again met with silence. He lifted his head to see Pope sitting on top of the table sipping on a Pepsi. “Guess no one’s home”, JJ observed with a small shrug and began walking towards Pope. 

Pope picked up the second drink sitting beside him and reached it out for JJ to grab. “So what are we gonna do now, Goldilocks?” Pope teased while JJ took the drink from his hand. JJ smiled, there were about a dozen things that JJ could think to do with Pope inside an empty home but none that he could actually say out loud. He looked at Pope sitting on top of the table and couldn’t stop his thoughts from wandering to the idea that he would fit perfectly in between Pope’s legs right now and would be at just the right height to bury his face into his neck. 

“Well, I don’t know baby bear, what do you want to do?” He teased back while wiggling his eyebrows and opening his pop can.  _ Why the fuck would you wiggle your eyebrows at him you stupid fucking idiot.  _ JJ took a big drink from his Pepsi in an attempt to hide his face while he waited for Pope to respond. 

Pope smiled sheepishly and licked his lips. _ How is he so god damn cute yet so fucking sexy at the same time?  _ He wanted to reach out and pull the blonde in between his legs and kiss him until neither of them could breathe. “Um”, Pope started “I don’t know”, His eyes were locked on JJ’s throat while he watched his Adam’s Apple bob slowly with each gulp of soda. 

JJ finished off the drink and let out a small burp while crushing the can in his hand. He sat the can down on the already messy counter and then plopped himself onto the sofa. He pulled his phone out to check and see if any of the other Pogues had messaged the group chat but didn’t see any new replies. “So what, everyone’s to cool for us these days?” JJ teased sarcastically, knowing full well that Kie was probably helping her parents with the restaurant. It was near the end of November and the last small wave of tourists had come in before they would close for the Winter and John B was probably somewhere on The Cut macking with Sarah. 

Pope laughed at this while he hopped off the table and began walking over to sit with JJ on the couch. “Nah”, He smiled, “I think they probably just figured out that we’re too cool for them”, JJ nodded in agreement. “Yeah, you’re right. They probably don’t want to get in our way anymore” He joked back and placed his feet up on the coffee table while smiling over at Pope. 

Pope laughed and sat his half-empty can down. He loved this. He loved the comfort of the Chateau. He loved that JJ was close enough that their shoulders were bumping against one another and he really loved how easy and slow life felt when he was talking to JJ. Like every worry, he had dissolved in the air along with the gentle laugh of a beautiful blonde. 

Pope liked to imagine them having moments like these years from now, in an apartment that they called home, curled up on their couch warm and safe. But, again, wishful thinking. Pope leaned his head back on the couch and looked over at JJ. JJ did the same and smiled softly at Pope. “Hey”, he whispered with a cheesy smile and Pope just rolled his eyes and let out a breathy laugh “Hey dork”, He whispered back. 

JJ licked his lips.  _ So close _ . His eyes wandered down to Pope’s full lips and wished that he still had a Pepsi in his hand so that he had a reason to look away. “Do you wanna play a game or somethin’?” JJ muttered in a hushed voice, his eyes still locked on Pope’s lips. He watched closely while Pope’s throat bobbed up and down. “Yeah okay”, Pope whispered back slowly. JJ didn’t know why they were whispering. He also didn’t know why their faces were so close and Pope wasn’t pulling away but he wasn’t complaining. 

“Um”, JJ started and pressed his lips together tightly. “We could play 20 questions. We haven’t done that in a while”, He began chewing on his bottom lip. Pope desperately wanted to lift his hand and run his thumb over JJ’s chapped lip.  _ Stop biting your lips.  _ He wanted to say.  _ You have no reason to be nervous right now J, It’s just me. _

“Okay,” Pope smiled and nodded. “You start”, he told his friend and crossed his arms comfortably over his chest. JJ let out a small breath of air and looked up at the ceiling, trying to think of a question to ask Pope that he didn’t already know the answer to. 

“Okay”, He clapped his hands together and looked back over at Pope “How often do you jerk off?” He smirked while watching Pope shift uncomfortably. Pope rarely ever talked about sex or girls. Every once in awhile he would flirt or at least attempt to flirt with a touron at a party but for the most part, Pope was pretty celibate. 

Pope felt his face heat up and he uncrossed and then recrossed his arms. “Dude what the fuck?”, he mumbled and JJ just laughed at him. “Come on bro, you know how the game works. You have to answer and it has to be honest.” JJ retorted. “Sooo..”, he waited for Pope to respond to the question “Mr. Heyward, how often do you pay a visit to Mrs. Palm and her five daughters?” He pretended to sound serious while looking at Pope. 

Pope sighed and ran his hands over his face.  _ Why do I love him?  _ Pope rolled his eyes and shook his head “I don’t know dude. As often as an 18-year-old boy does I guess.”, he mumbled with a shrug. JJ shook his head. “Nope, that’s not a real answer come on.” Pope sighed again.  _ Every time I see you without a shirt on, when you run your hands on me for no real reason, when I see you coming out of the water, wet hair in your eyes and water droplets flowing down your body.  _ “Once a night I guess” Pope refused to meet JJ’s eyes “And then...In the shower most mornings.”, He licked his lips and fiddled with his hands in his lap. 

JJ’s mind spun out of control.  _ Shower. Most mornings.  _ He thought back to this morning when Pope rushed out of the room and came back with nothing but a towel around his waist.  _ Did he...maybe... _ JJ suddenly regretted the game, regretted the question, and regretted his entire existence. It was JJ’s turn to shift in his seat and he cleared his throat loudly “Your turn!”, He said quickly. 

Pope creased his forehead and thought of a question. One that would maybe make JJ as uncomfortable as he had made him. Then again Pope knew that it was pretty hard to make JJ Maybank uncomfortable. Pope did have a genuine question that he had always wanted to ask JJ but, he wasn’t sure if he actually wanted to know the answer or not. “How many girls have you slept with?”, He asked, sounding way to serious for a guy that was just playing a stupid game with his friend. 

JJ’s eyes shifted to Pope and he let himself relax back into the couch. JJ had slept with quite a few people. At least quite a few for his age but, sex was an escape for him. Touching, sex meant touching and JJ needed to be touched. He shifted his hand so that it would graze against Pope’s arm, giving him a spark that he needed. Like a drug addict needing a hit to get him through the day, JJ needed his hand to brush against Pope’s arm to get him through this question. 

“Probably like eleven, I think”, He said after licking his lips. JJ failed to mention that two of them were boys and that he only actually remembered four of their names. Pope’s arm dropped so that it was resting against JJ’s. JJ wanted to close his eyes and lean into the touch but he just leaned his head back and let his eyes roam over Pope’s face. 

Pope’s stomach burned.  _ You asked, stupid.  _ He knew that no matter what number JJ spit out whether it was one or one hundred, it was going to hurt no matter what. “Hmmm,” He hummed. “Less than I thought” He teased “I guess your game isn’t all that great Huh?” JJ laughed at this and was careful to not move his arm “Shut up dude it’s eleven more than you.”

Pope laughed at this and looked up at the ceiling “You got me there” he chuckled and let his head roll back and turned so that he was face to face with JJ. “Your turn”, He whispered. JJ blinked slowly.  _ If I kissed you right now would you be mad at me? “ _ Are you excited about college?” He asked quietly. 

None of the Pogue’s ever really talked about what would happen after they all graduated even though they knew the inevitable reality of the situation. Kie would go off and save the world, John B and Sarah would get married and live out a happy little life together, Pope would go to college somewhere far away and do whatever geniuses do when they are finally able to leave their small-minded hometowns, and JJ would stay. JJ would be left behind to live out the rest of his life cleaning boats during the day and drinking himself to sleep during the night. Just like his dad. No more long summer days out on the HMS Pogue, no more movie nights, no more free lunches at the wreck and dancing with Kie by the jukebox, or surf sessions with John B, or long drives in the van with the radio playing and his friends laughing around him, no more Pope. All of that would be gone in a few short months. JJ’s found family would be scattered across the world and he would still be here with his inevitable future eating away at him until it consumed every part of him until there was nothing left. 

Pope stiffened slightly and kept his eyes on JJ’s face “I think excited is the wrong word.” He whispered. Terrified, distraught, resentful, miserable, afraid. Those were all better words to describe how Pope felt about leaving the OBX. About leaving JJ. Leaving JJ without ever telling him how he felt. Without getting down on his knees and begging the boy to come with him.  _ Baltimore is less than 400 miles away,  _ he tells himself constantly. He can come back and see JJ all the time. “I don’t know I guess I’m kinda nervous”, He told him quietly, absentmindedly leaning his head forward slightly. 

JJ nodded slowly “Yeah”, He whispered, “I guess it would be pretty scary, starting over somewhere.” Pope chewed on the inside of his cheek.  _ It would be fine if I could pack you up in my suitcase and take you with me.  _ He nodded slowly and searched JJ’s blue eyes. Their noses were almost touching and their eyes were locked onto each other. “You're turn”, JJ whispered, it was so quiet that if Pope wasn’t only two inches away from his face, he wouldn’t have been able to hear him. 

Pope’s mind was foggy. He couldn’t really think of a question to ask, all he could think was JJ JJ JJ. “Are you gonna miss me?” His voice cracked slightly in the whisper and his fingers fidgeted in his lap. Pope could hardly handle even the thought of how much he was going to miss JJ when he left. He always wondered if JJ ever thought about it too.

JJ’s throat started burning at the question. He wanted to cry. He wanted to lean over and bury his face in Pope’s neck and tell him not to go. Tell him about how it’s all he’d thought about since the end of last Summer when reality hit him, that Pope was actually going to leave. That all the talk about scholarships and tuition fees really just meant that Pope would one day be gone and that never seemed like it could actually happen until the day Pope was accepted into Johns Hopkins. “Yeah”, He breathed out. He didn’t say anything else. His voice shook too much on the one word for him to trust himself to keep going without actually breaking down in tears. 

Pope leaned his head forward again and their noses bumped. He didn’t want to miss JJ. He’d seen the blonde almost every day of his life since he was ten years old and he just didn’t know how to miss him. Through the years he had learned how to read the boy, probably better than anyone else in the world, how to comfort him without ever pushing too far, how to call him out without making him feel stupid, how to swallow his jealousy when he saw the other with a girl, how to make him laugh, how to make him proud, but he had absolutely no idea how to miss him. He knew that he would have to miss his parents, Kie, John B, and even Sarah and he had made peace with that. He could live with missing people he loved. Pope was smart, he was the top of his class, got a full ride to a good college. He could solve any equation, any theorem, any scientific problem that you put in front of the boy’s face he could solve, but no matter how much time you gave him, he didn’t think he could ever figure out how to miss JJ Maybank. 

JJ didn’t wait for Pope to remind him that it was his turn. If one of them didn’t start talking soon he was going to do something very stupid, like close the tiny gap between their lips that felt like was getting smaller and smaller by the second. “What are you going to miss the most when you leave?”

He wanted to change the subject to literally anything else that wasn’t Pope leaving, but they were in too deep now. It was almost like talking about anything else would be inappropriate. They had never talked about it before, but their gap was closing and they had to bring it up sometime. JJ had to prepare himself somehow. Whether he liked it or not Pope was leaving. In just 274 days Pope would be gone (Yes he was counting) and JJ would still be here on the same island that so many of his family members before drank, gambled, and smoked their lives away on. His future was laid out for him and the day his friends were gone it would begin. But fuck at least he had right now. He had this second where his nose was touching the boy he loved and he was staring into his eyes, in the one place, other than Pope Heyward's arms, where he truly felt safe. He will always have the Chateau.  _ Maybe Big John will let me buy it off him one day. I bet I could fix it up real nice.  _ He will always have his childhood memories with the Pogues.  _ We’ve been through too much for them to just forget about me. Right?  _ He would always have the OBX and he really did love it here. He loved the ocean, the heat, the feeling of being on a boat. It was his home.  _ I’m gonna be fine.  _ He tried to convince himself.  _ I’m gonna be just fine on my own.  _ He was lying to himself and he knew it. OBX wasn’t his home. The Pogues were his home. That was why he loved this place so much. It wouldn’t be home anymore when they were gone.  _ Please take me with you. _

Pope didn’t think before he answered. He was sick of thinking. Sick Of waiting. He leaned forward one more time so that his forehead was pressed against JJ’s “You”, he whispered with his eyes shut. 

JJ’s lip quivered and a tear slipped out. He closed his eyes too and let himself lean into Pope’s touch. Their foreheads pressed together and emotion flooding the air around him, JJ let himself crumble. He breathed out a shaky breath and the air touched Pope’s face making him open his eyes. He moved his hand up and gently grazed JJ’s cheek, wiping away the single tear with the pad of his thumb. “Don’t cry J”, he whispered. 

JJ’s eyes opened at the gentle words and his lips parted, yet another quivering breath escaping. He leaned forward daring himself to press his lips to Pope’s and the door slammed open. The boys pulled apart instantly. Pope’s hand no longer resting on his cheek and their foreheads no longer pressed together. Leaving JJ feeling cold, exposed, and lonely. Perhaps a preview of how he would feel for the rest of his life. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ahh, I'm so sorry that this one took so long, college is kicking my ass. But, here ya go have some more dumb gay pining. Angst is coming (I'm sorry in advance) Also thank you so much to anyone that is reading this it really means so much to me :)  
> I love comments please feel free to tell me what you think!


	5. Glitter in the Air

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?"

Pope loves John B. He’s one of his best friends in the entire world and perhaps the coolest person that he has ever met in his life. Ever since he was a young child he desired to be as effortlessly laid back and cool as John B was, while simultaneously being a genuinely amazing friend that was always there for the people that he cared for. So of course he both loved and admired him. But right now in this very moment when Pope’s lips were closer to JJ’s than they had ever been, Pope wanted to fucking murder him. 

JJ quickly wiped his eyes and sat up straight trying to catch his breath and act as casual as possible given the circumstance. “What’s up guys” John B nodded at the pair casually as he made his way into his front door. “You been here long?” He asked while padding to the kitchen and digging a beer out of the fridge. 

“No..no not that long about thirty minutes or so,” Pope replied, praying that he didn’t look or sound as shaken up as he felt. John B simply nodded in reply while he leaned against the countertop and popped open his beer, taking a large drink. 

JJ heard Pope speak from beside him but he couldn't make out the words. His head was spinning and even though John B had unintentionally ruined the moment, he wasn’t done crying. He wasn’t ready for Pope to take his hand off his cheek and pull his warm comfort away from him. He wanted more. He needed so much more. He wanted Pope’s lips on his, kissing away his fears and regret. He needed Pope’s hands running over his skin melting away all of the pain and neglect, hidden within past scars and present bruises. 

“There’s gonna be a big party on the beach tonight” John B smiled while he hopped up on the counter. Pope rolled his eyes and fidgeted with his fingers in his lap, desperately itching to reach over and run them through JJ’s hair and finish what they started before John B walked in.  _ There was a party on the beach last night dude. There’s a party on the beach almost every fucking night!  _

“A couple of kooks are throwing it. Which sucks I know but hey at least they got the good booze.” John B added and took another sip of his beer. Ever since John B and Sarah had become a thing, the Pogues began attending some more Kook heavy parties. Not that they always enjoyed said parties and they weren’t necessarily welcomed with open arms either. Pogues still Pogue and Kooks still Kook no matter who was mackin on who. But, John B was right, the booze were better at the Kook parties and the beach was always big enough to avoid the assholes that wanted to start unwarranted trouble. Plus when Sarah was hanging around them they were mostly left alone. Mostly. 

“You guys down?” John B asked his two friends, his eyes shifting back and forth between them. He sensed something was off. He felt it in the room as soon as he walked in but he was never one to budge. His friends always came to him when they were ready to talk and he knew that if something were really wrong he would hear about it eventually. “JJ?” He asked, his eyes finally resting on the blonde, who hadn’t said a word since John B had entered the house. He knew his best friend was never one to turn down a good party with free alcohol. 

Pope’s eyes silently shifted to JJ as well.  _ Say no, say no, say no, say no.  _ He chanted in his head. He knew it would certainly sound strange for the two of them to deny a party but they could make something up. They could say they had a test or a project that was due or that his dad had asked them to help with inventory, something, anything.  _ We can go to my house J or the beach.  _ Pope knew how much JJ loved the beach, especially at night.  _ We can talk. Really talk, about all of this shit. No one will interrupt us this time I swear. I just want to talk to you, fuck I have so much to say to you. I want to kiss you so bad, god I want to hold you. I’m gonna scream, JJ please say no.  _

“Whatever man I don’t give a fuck”, JJ exclaimed exasperated, and quickly stood up running his fingers through his blonde hair. His mind was still racing and his throat was burning from holding back his desperate need to cry. He was suddenly very hot but he didn’t want to take off Pope’s sweatshirt. He needed air. He needed to be alone. He shoved the front door open and was immediately welcomed with a gust of cool autumn wind hitting his face. “I’ll see you guys there”, He spoke in a barely audible voice and was gone before the two other boys could stop him.

Pope’s heart sank and he stood up as soon as JJ slammed the door behind him. He couldn’t handle the thought that he was probably the reason for making JJ feel this way. Who the fuck did he think he was? Planting crazy gay assumptions about his best friend in his head, thinking that he wanted to be kissed by a guy.  _ He leaned in.  _ Pope reminded himself.  _ We nearly kissed twice today and both times JJ was the one that leaned in.  _ His heart squeezed in his chest. He couldn’t deny that. At the very least JJ wanted to try kissing him for some reason or at least he did before he got too freaked out. 

“Is he okay?”, John B asked, concerned while hopping off the counter, beer long forgotten. Pope looked over at his friend and felt bad all over again. John B was one of his best friends and he really didn’t like lying to him. He was a bad liar anyways. But, it wasn’t like he could just say “Oh no. You see I’ve been desperately head over heels in love with our buddy JJ since I was about thirteen. You know JJ right? Anyways I’ve recently decided that I can no longer cage those pesky feelings and have simply decided to mack on our friend without asking him how he feels about the whole situation. However, it seems that that may have spooked him a little bit. So you see JB I do not think that JJ is okay and nor am I while we’re at it. So do you have any age-old John Booker Routledge advice you’d like to toss my way cause I could sure use it right about now?” No. Pope couldn’t say that. He settled on a simple “I’m sure he’s fine” before placing a hand on JB’s shoulder for reassurance.

“I’ll go check on him. He probably just got into it with his dad or somethin.” Pope lied and John B nodded in slow agreement, still clearly worried about his friend. “You want me to come too?” He asked. Pope shook his head a little too quickly at this “No, no it’s cool you know how he gets. Just text us when you, Kie, and Sarah make it to the beach and we’ll meet you guys there.” He said, trying to sound nonchalant about the whole situation. John B just nodded again “Yeah okay. Good luck man”, He patted his friend on the back, and Pope headed out the door mumbling a quick “Thanks” to John B before trudging out to search for JJ. 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

As soon as JJ made it out the front door of The Chateau he pulled the hood of Pope’s sweatshirt over his head, protecting his ears from the nipply air, and shoved his hands in the pocket. He sniffed while a single tear slipped out of his left eye. He walked along the dirt path that would lead him into town. He didn’t know where he was going. Other than The Chateau, JJ didn’t really have a ‘safe space’, a place where he could go to clear his mind and be alone when he needed it. He felt safe by the water, especially when he was on the HMS Pogue with his friends around him. Laughing, dancing, and drinking without a care in the world. 

He walked a while longer lightly kicking the rocks in his path and trying and failing to turn off his brain. He subconsciously found himself walking to a large patch of overgrown grass leading to the less attractive side of the beach. The part where tourists never visited and only local fishermen and the occasional dejected teen would wonder. He cut through the weeds to the sand and took a deep breath of ocean air as soon as his feet hit the beach. He found this part of the beach when he was a kid. It was close enough to town for him to not get scared that sea monsters or kidnappers wouldn’t get him but also far enough away that he could isolate himself from the rest of the island. It was closer to his house than The Chateau so he would come here on nights where it was too dark and too late to ride his bike all the way to John B’s, but still needed to be anywhere that wasn’t home. 

He sat down on the sand pulling his knees up and loosely wrapping his arms around his legs. He looked out over the water and searched the horizon as if it would have the answers to all of his problems. His bottom lip quivered slightly and tears welled up in his eyes, threatening to spill over. He blinked once allowing the tears to slip down his cheeks, already blotchy from the cold air. He pulled the cuffs of the sweatshirt into his hands and squeezed them tightly while using the cloth to wipe his eyes. “Fuck”, He muttered to himself.  _ I’m cold.  _ He sniffed.  _ I’m cold and I’m tired and I’m hungry and I want Pope. Pope.  _ He laid back letting his back hit the sand. He looked up at the grey sky and closed his eyes.

He imagined what it might be like if his life hadn’t been so fucked for the past eighteen years. If his dad hadn’t been an abusive drunk and his mom hadn’t left him. If Pope Heyward loved him the way he loved him.  _ It was me.  _ He thought.  _ He said the thing that he would miss the most was me.  _ Pope had said it in such a genuinely emotional voice that JJ couldn’t help but believe him. JJ remembered the feeling of Pope’s forehead pressed against his and his hand stroking his cheek. The feeling of Pope’s skin on his made him feel more loved and safe than anything JJ had ever experienced in his entire life. Besides, maybe his mother stroking his hair and kissing his head. But she hadn’t been around for over ten years, so he decided that she didn’t deserve to count anymore. Pope, on the other hand, was always there. Anytime JJ needed anything, hell half the time before JJ even realized he needed something Pope would provide it for him. 

He wanted him so badly. He wanted to be in his bed right now, warm and suffocated within his arms. Fuck JJ didn’t think he could dream of a better way to die than being smothered to death in Pope Heyward’s arms. Pope would kiss him, so many kisses everywhere. He would hold him in his arms and tell him stories about animals that he’d never even heard of or the history of the color blue until he fell asleep. God he could listen to that boy talk about the color blue for the rest of his life. Then he would wake up and Pope would still be there with his arms wrapped around him and his nose buried in his hair and they would eat breakfast in their underwear and they wouldn’t have to even think about the world outside of Pope’s room because fuck everyone that isn’t Pope Heyward. 

JJ sighed and opened his eyes. He was done crying but he didn’t feel much better. His phone dinged a couple of times in his pants pocket and he knew that it was probably John B letting him know that they were gonna start heading to the beach. It was beginning to get dark out and the party would probably start soon. JJ didn’t want to go but he didn’t have anywhere else to go and there was no use in worrying his friends by not showing up. He sighed and stood up. His belly grumbled and he remembered that the only thing he’d had to eat all day was a Pepsi that he chugged earlier. He decided to head back to The Chateau to make himself a sandwich or something and maybe drink a few beers before he headed to the beach. He wasn’t necessarily ready to be around people just yet and he knew that no one was going to miss him if he showed up a few hours late anyway. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pope missed JJ. It had been about three hours since he had seen him and fuck he missed him so much. He walked around for about an hour looking for the boy and he knew after only fifteen minutes of searching where he was. The beach. However, Pope had no idea what part of the beach he was at and he also didn’t think that JJ actually wanted to be found. At least that’s what he had gathered from his several unanswered texts. After an hour Pope finally gave up and headed down to the beach where the rest of his friends had already wandered. Pope was definitely not in the mood for a party but he held onto hope that JJ would show up eventually. 

_ He’s mad at me.  _ This was the conclusion that Pope had come too after the sun had set over the ocean and the beach was full of buzzed teenagers. None of which had pretty blue eyes and gorgeous blonde hair. Well, maybe a few of them did but Pope was really only fixated on one in particular and he was nowhere to be found. After another grueling hour of no JJ and no texts, Pope wandered toward the keg and poured himself some beer into a red plastic cup. Pope would usually have a beer or two when he was at a big enough party but, never enough to actually let a real buzz settle in and definitely never had anything stronger than a beer. He took pride in it. He liked making sure that all of his friends got home safely and that they never overdid it themselves. Tonight was different though. Tonight Pope couldn’t bring himself to care about much else other than the fact that the one person he wanted to see was avoiding him. So, after his two beer limit, he poured himself another and another after that. 

About six cups of beer in Pope found himself going for some of the more hard liquor. Some kook handed him a cup that had a dark brown liquid in it and tasted like bitter fire on his tongue and burned his throat but Pope polished off the drink in one big gulp making a face and a gagging noise when he was done. “Shit dude, you okay?” The Kook asked while making a slightly confused face at him. Pope’s cringe remained on his face while he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and shoved the cup back towards the Kook. “More”, He mumbled. 

The Kook simply took the cup from Pope and filled back up, not caring enough to push any farther. Pope took the drink and stumbled back towards the fire where the rest of his friends were or at least where he thought they were. Sarah and John B were a few feet away from the rest of the party looking out at the ocean together and whispering into each other's ears with dazed smiles taking up most of their faces.  _ Gross.  _ Pope made a face towards them and took another painful drink from his cup. Kie was sitting next to a pretty girl that Pope didn’t know and was laughing a little too hard at something the girl had said. 

His mind was foggy and his vision would get a little blurry if he tried to focus on one thing for too long. He wanted to go home but his dad would murder him if he saw him like this. Pope didn’t really care at this point though.  _ He hates me. JJ hates me.  _

_ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ _

JJ fed himself and drank a few beers after he arrived back at the Chateau. It made him feel better than he thought that it would and he considered not even going to the beach at all. If Big John was coming home tonight he would have been there by now and John B would no doubt be sneaking into Sarah’s room like he did most Saturday nights. He could lay here on the couch, get high, toss a few more back, and sleep his problems away. The one issue with that was, JJ was not very good at turning his brain off and his brain’s favorite subject just so happened to be Pope. His eyes, his smile, his arms, his laugh. JJ would think about him when he couldn’t sleep or if he was zoned out in class. Pope somehow both eased and exasperated his mind at the same time. When he was around other people, especially around Pope himself he would stop these thoughts but when he was alone he would settle into them. Soon daydreams would be all he’d have of the boy. 

JJ sighed. His phone had died long ago and he didn’t bother to charge it. His friends were definitely wondering where he was by now. Sure he could lay on his best friend’s couch all night and drink alone while thinking dirty thoughts about a boy who will never love him or he could go put on a fake smile and drink with his friends while he still could. JJ rubbed his eyes and sat up on the couch. He stuffed his dead phone in his pocket and made his way out the front door. He decided that during his short walk to the beach he would allow his brain to keep wandering until he was actually around other people. 

He thought again about laying with Pope in his bed. On top of him, or no, maybe he would be on top of Pope. Laying on top of Pope, pressing his body into the mattress, his finger’s digging into JJ’s back leaving red marks and scratches while he kissed at his neck and jaw. Pope clinging to him, pulling him closer. Or, Pope on top of him. His full weight pressed against JJ, all of the pressure on JJ’s body being Pope. Pope peppering him with kisses everywhere, every inch of his body. The image of Pope running his hands along his hips while whispering in his ear clouded JJ’s mind.  _ Fuck.  _ JJ thought.  _ Yeah, I want him on top of me.  _ JJ decided that he would like to live the rest of his life pinned underneath Pope Heyward’s body. 

_ Gentle.  _ JJ imagined.  _ Pope would be gentle. _ Soft caresses and sweet kisses _. Except for my hair.  _ JJ always imagined Pope being gentle except when he pulled his hair. Hard. He wanted him to pull it hard. JJ figured he must have a hair-pulling kink as much as he imagined Pope running his fingers through his hair and yanking it. Grabbing a fist full of his blonde locks and pulling his head back so that his eye’s met Pope’s. JJ’s stomach churned. Now was so not the time to get hard. He was close to the beach and could already hear the loud music and hollering of teenagers. 

He took a shaky breath before finally taking his last steps onto the sand that led to The Boneyard. He didn’t see any of the Pogue’s at first before he spotted Kie sitting by the fire talking to some chick he didn’t know. “Hey Kie” JJ wrapped his arms around Kie from behind and pressed a sloppy kiss to her cheek. 

“JJ!” She squealed while hugging his arms “Where have you been?” She smiled brightly when JJ let her go and stepped in front of her. “Oh my god, Michelle this is JJ” Kie exclaimed to the girl sitting next to her before he even had a chance to reply to her previous question “JJ is one of my best friends” JJ smiled at this sheepishly. Kie was obviously drunk, she wouldn’t be so openly loving if she wasn’t. Don’t get him wrong Kie was loving, she was also protective and kind and JJ had no doubt in his mind that she cared for him deeply, but she just normally wouldn’t say it out loud. That wasn’t really her thing. 

The girl, Michelle, shyly swirled her drink around and gave JJ a weak smile before looking back over at Kie. He had a feeling that she wanted him to leave. “Hey Kie, have you seen JB or Pope?” he asked, trying to find an excuse to leave Kie and the girl alone. “Hmm…” Kie wondered out loud “Well, John B and Sarah are somewhere mackin on each other” she pretended to gag herself with her index finger and made a gagging noise, earning a giggle out of the girl beside her “and Pope is…” Kie looked around the body of people in front of her “I don't know, somewhere talking about dead people probably.” She smiled and turned back to Michelle with wide eyes “Oh my god you have to meet my friend Pope he’s the smartest person on the planet.” 

JJ nodded slowly while Kie’s attention left him and landed back on the girl. “Thanks, Kie,” He mumbled and began walking into the sea of partiers in an attempt to find Pope. He dodged dancing bodies and drunk teenagers before he ended up by the keg and let out a sigh.  _ He might have gone home.  _ JJ wondered if he himself should make his way back to the Chateau. He’d have to find JB and Sarah first and make sure that they get Kie home safe but, after that, he could go back to his couch and his wonderful Pope daydream. 

Before JJ could head back down the beach to search for John B, a strong pair of arms looped around his waist from behind and he felt a body press into his back. “JJ!” The voice exclaimed in an elated tone as though JJ had just returned from war. JJ looked over his shoulder to find Pope clinging to his back and burying the side of his face in his neck. “I missed you so much,” Pope whispered dramatically and closed his eyes with a sleepy smile. 

JJ’s eyes widened and he struggled to release himself from Pope’s tight grip around him. “Pope dude are you alright?” He asked, examining Pope’s face when he finally escaped from his arms and turned to face him. Pope was swaying slightly and his eyes were bloodshot. He smelled of Jack Daniels and weed. A smell that JJ was far too familiar with. 

“I’m so good J,” Pope smiled and rubbed his hand up and down JJ’s clothed arm. “You weren't here but now you are here and everything is so good now,” Pope attempted to lunge himself forward back into JJ’s arms only for JJ to catch him by his forearms to steady him. “Woah Woah you okay there?” JJ asked with concern in his eyes. He had never seen Pope drunk before. Pope didn’t drink at least not often and never excessively.  _ He can’t go home like this.  _ “Come on let’s go back to the Chateau, try and sober you up a little bit alright?”, He wrapped his arm around Pope’s waist to help lead him off the beach.

“I missed you so much JJ,” Pope told him again, sounding a little too sorrowful considering he had seen him just a few hours before. JJ started to walk him off the beach. He had to get Pope out of here, he was already too far gone and JJ didn’t know how he handled his liquor. He knew Kie would be okay at least for a few more hours, she was a friendly drunk but she could still take care of herself. He could text John B about her when he got back to the Chateau and charged his phone.  _ When the fuck did I become the mom friend? _

“Dude I saw you like three hours ago.” JJ teased while walking Pope to the main road off the beach leading them back to the Chateau. “How the fuck did you get so wasted?” He asked.  _ WHY the fuck did you get so wasted? You’re better than this.  _

“Hmmm” Pope hummed with a dopey smile on his face. His head leaned against JJ’s while they walked and he pressed his body farther into JJ’s side while he kept a firm arm around his waist so that he wouldn’t trip and fall.  _ Of course, he’s fucking adorable while he’s drunk. Why wouldn’t he be?  _ “You weren’t there to stop me,” Pope slurred while poking JJ’s cheek with his index finger. 

The words struck JJ right in the stomach. They were the same exact words that he used on Pope all the time. ‘JJ why did you go surfing alone during a hurricane warning?’ ‘Because you weren’t there to stop me’ It was their thing. JJ and Pope both knew that Pope made up about 85 percent of JJ’s impulse control, Kie probably took up about five percent herself, and John B usually went along with the crazy shit JJ came up with no questions asked. However, JJ never thought that he affected any of the decisions that Pope made. Pope had more control over his emotions than any person he had ever met. 

“Well,” JJ started when they finally reached the Chateau “don’t do it again. This isn’t like you”, He whispered, more to himself than to Pope. JJ opened the door and flicked the light switch on before trying to help Pope onto the couch. He’d worry about where he was going to sleep later. 

Pope wasn’t exactly cooperating when JJ tried to lay him on the couch. He wrapped his arms around JJ’s neck and snuggled his face against his shoulder. “I’m so glad you’re here JJ” He whispered.

JJ tensed up and awkwardly moved his hand to pat Pope’s back. “Yeah...I’m glad you’re here to buddy.”  _ Please don’t do this to me.  _ JJ swallowed hard, refusing to allow himself to sink into Pope’s touch.  _ Maybe he’s just like Kie and get’s super touchy and sweet when he’s drunk. _

Pope lifted his head up to look into JJ’s eyes but kept his arms around his neck. “I missed you so much JJ. If I can’t go three hours without you how am I gonna go a whole semester?” He whispered and pressed his forehead against JJ’s. 

JJ’s stomach was doing somersaults. He let out a slow shaky breath and kept his arms firmly at his side. “It’s alright man you’re just-you’re just emotional cause your drunk it’s okay”, he attempted to reason with the drunk boy.

“I worry about you J”, Pope whispered and one of his hands grazed JJ’s cheeks. “I worry about you all the time.” JJ felt his cheeks heat up under Pope’s touch and his lips parted slightly. “I just want to put you in a tower somewhere and lock you away so that no one could ever hurt you.” Pope hiccupped. “Like my own little Rapunzel”, He lifted his forehead away from JJ’s and giggled. He fucking giggled. 

Pope smiled fondly at the perplexed boy in front of him. “I love your hair.” He moved his hand from JJ’s cheek and buried it in his blonde locks, gazing at his hair as if it could cure cancer. “Pope…” JJ whispered and let his eyes close while Pope ran his fingers through his hair gently. He had no idea what the fuck was going on and he knew he wouldn’t have the will power to stop it even if he wanted too. After a few moments, he felt Pope let go of his hair and his hand began traveling down his arm. 

“You’re still wearing my shirt,” Pope hummed and ran his hands up and down JJ’s hips. “You look so good in my clothes.” He buried his face in JJ’s neck once again and JJ felt as though his whole body was on fire.  _ Don’t wake up, please don’t wake up.  _ He knew this had to be a dream. He never went to the party, he just fell asleep on the couch and now he was having the greatest dream of his life. 

“Baby you smell so good”, Pope rubbed his nose against JJ’s neck and his breath hitched.  _ BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY BABY.  _ JJ was completely captivated by Pope’s words and the fact that he was clinging to him with his face buried in his neck. He’d dreamed about Pope hundreds of times before and this felt too fucking real to be a dream.

The next thing JJ knew sloppy open mouth kisses were being placed along his neck. His legs felt like jelly and his heart was beating a mile a minute. “Pope” he breathed out shakily and his hand reached up to grab a hold of Pope’s forearm.  _ This isn’t happening this isn’t happening right now.  _

Pope’s hand slowly slipped up JJ’s shirt. No matter how drunk Pope was he knew to be gentle with JJ, gentler than anyone had ever been with him. Everyone that JJ had ever been with had either ignored or never even noticed JJ’s bruises. Pope, however, was hyperaware of them. He treated them as if it were his job to ease the pain out of JJ’s body, to use his soft touches to replace the hurt and anger that his father had instilled in him. It was almost too much for JJ.

Pope’s lips leaving wet kisses all over his neck and his jaw. His hand gently rubbing soft circles against his stomach. JJ couldn’t breathe. He couldn’t move. It felt too good. Too good. Too good for him to deserve any of this and Pope was drunk out his mind and he didn’t realize what he was doing to JJ. A tear slipped out of JJ’s eyes and his bottom lip began to tremble. Too much. It was too much. 

This was all he’s ever wanted and it’s too much and Pope’s drunk and he’s going to regret this in the morning and he’ll be gone in six months and it takes every bit of self-control that JJ can muster to push Pope off him. Pope stumbles back looking slightly dazed. “Stop!” JJ yells and more tears slip out of his eyes until he’s full-on crying. The look of distress on JJ’s face is enough to sober Pope up. He steps forward and lifts a hand to wipe JJ’s tears “J…”, He whispers. 

“Stop!” JJ yells again and backs away from Pope. “Stop don’t fucking touch me,” He sobs, and Pope’s eyes widened. “JJ I’m-I’m sorry I didn’t mean too-”, Pope started frantically. “Just leave me alone” JJ cut him off and ran out the front door, leaving Pope standing helpless in the middle of the room. 

JJ ran until his lungs and legs wouldn’t allow him to go any farther. He finally stopped and rested his hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. He was breathing hard and every part of him felt as though it was on fire. He lifted his head still trying to catch his breath. The tears on his face dried from the cold wind and he could see his breath in front of him. He didn’t know what to do and he didn’t know where to go and every part of him hurt. Staring into the dark distance in front of him he screamed as loud as he could, hoping to release all of the hurt and anguish from his body with a loud yell into the night. It didn’t work. It just made his throat hurt. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! This one is pretty long and it's also not my favorite but if I looked at it any longer I was gonna scream. JJ is lowkey the mom friend when he has to be and all of the Pogues are flirty drunks confirmed. This is where the angst starts, I'm so sorry.   
> I love comments so please let me know what you think :)


	6. you deserve better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "My parents didn't want me, why would you? You're the best so I will do what I will do for you. I've got problems in my brain, you help me ease the pain. Help me numb it out when I been crying in the rain 'cause I've got these demons that I can't shake."

_ Fuck.  _ Pope’s skull felt as though it was about to split open, and the burning sunlight provided by the large living room window was not making it much better. In an attempt to block out the morning light, Pope flipped over on the couch and buried his face into one of the couch pillows, adding a drawn-out groan in the process. His throat was dry, his eyes were sore, his entire body ached, and he felt as though there was a small animal trying to escape his skull. But, worst of all, his heart was broken. 

Last night his greatest fear had become a reality. He fucked up. He couldn’t remember much but he knew that he really fucked up. He remembered kissing JJ’s neck and how amazing his skin tasted against his lips. He remembered running his hand over JJ’s belly and feeling the sensitive bruises and craters of past scars. He remembered how beautiful JJ sounded when he whispered his name. He remembered his heart shattering into a million little pieces when the boy he loved pushed him away and told him to stay away from him. He also had a faint memory of crying himself to sleep on John B’s couch, wanting nothing more than to go home to his own bed (that probably still smelled like JJ from the night before) but not being strong or sober enough to pick himself up off the couch. 

Pope slowly brought his hands to his face and rolled back over on the couch. He looked up at the ceiling and his breath hitched.  _ It’s over. Nothings ever going to be the same ever again and it’s your fault. He trusted you, he really really trusted you, and you hurt him just like everyone else in his life.  _ Quiet tears slipped down his cheeks despite his head begging him to not cause any more pain than it was already in. Pope had never been hungover before but he couldn’t imagine that the pain he was in was just from a night of drinking. If it was then he had no idea why anyone would ever drink alcohol at all. No, the pain in Pope’s chest was far worse than the pain in his head and he’d take the worst headache in the world over the awful dull feeling in his heart any day. 

What the fuck are you supposed to do when you hurt the person that you love the most in the world? What do you do when the only boy you’ve ever loved doesn’t love you back? What do you do when your best friend hates you because you got drunk and sucked on his neck? How was he supposed to fix this? Maybe he could just apologize, just text JJ and explain. ‘I’m sorry I got drunk and groped you, I swear it didn’t mean anything. I’m not in love with you J, I swear I’m not in love with you. Please don’t hate me’, A beautiful blonde once told him “Deny, deny, deny” and now he had to do just that. Deny his feelings, lie his ass off until JJ didn’t hate him anymore, Pope didn’t think he could live with JJ hating him. He could live with him not loving him. He could do that. He thinks. But, he knows that he definitely wouldn’t be able to survive knowing that JJ Maybank hated him. 

Pope sniffed and wiped his cheeks.  _ After everything you did you also took his fucking bed from him, asshole.  _ He thought while sitting up on the couch. He knew that John B’s couch was where JJ spent most of his nights and Pope slept easy at night knowing that he was safe at the Chateau away from the drunken wrath of his father. But, with Pope running him off and then proceeding to cry like a bitch on JJ’s makeshift bed all night, where did the other boy sleep?  _ God, I hope he didn’t go home.  _ Pope knew that Kie’s house was too far away to make the walk so late and it was way too cold for him to sleep on the beach.

The thought of JJ, upset and alone, sleeping on the beach in the 45-degree weather all because of him made Pope sick to his stomach. He should be here, warm on the couch, and safe in Pope’s arms. That’s all he wanted. All Pope ever wanted was to keep JJ safe and warm. He quickly stood up from the couch and ran to the trash can in the kitchen. He threw up, tasting the awful liquid before it landed in the trash bag. If he thought it tasted bad going down it was a hundred times worse coming back up. His throat burned even worse now but his stomach did feel a little better. He lifted his head up and scrunched his nose at the smell of wretched alcohol mixed with vomit. He padded over to the sink and cupped his hand with water to rinse his mouth out. 

He was in dire need of a shower and maybe a good stomach pumping just to get him through the rest of the day. Pope let out a long sigh and rubbed the back of his head before finally convincing himself to venture outside and make his way home. His phone was dead but he knew that his parents were probably blowing it up by now. He stayed out pretty often but he always called first to let his parents know that he’d be at the Chateau. He wanted to feel guilty for worrying his mom and dad but at the same time, he wasn’t sure if his heart could handle much more guilt right now. 

He walked outside and immediately pulled his hood up over his head and squinted his eyes to protect them from the sun. His head was still throbbing and he wasn’t sure if they made a Tylenol strong enough to kill the unbearable pain in his head.  _ You deserve it. It’s what you get for hurting him. _

Pope spent the majority of his walk thinking about JJ and burying himself further and further in guilt about the entire situation. On occasion, he would stop and dry heave on the side of the road and awkwardly wave at fishermen when they would give him muddled stares from the water. He was barely able to get his foot into the front door of his house before his father was face to face with him nursing a very stern look. “Boy, where the hell have you been?” Heyward exclaimed in the same authoritarian laced tone that he used anytime he was disappointed in Pope. “You had your mother worrying all night. You know better than to stay out and not tell us where the hell you’re at. For all we knew you could have been floating face first in the ocean and you-”

“Dad” Pope cut his father off while rubbing his temples and closing his eyes. “I’m really really sorry but can we please delay the lecture a couple of hours?” Heyward’s eyes widened slightly and for the first time since Pope walked in the door, he took a good look at the state of his son. He smelled of cheap liquor and vomit and had obviously not had a good night’s sleep. Not exactly the state a man wants to find his scholarship winning son in. “Jesus son you smell like a goddamned liquor store. What happened to you?” He asked leading his son to the kitchen table and helping him sit down. 

“I’m sorry, Dad”, Pope sniffed and laid his head down on the table “I swear I won’t ever do it again”, He one hundred percent meant it too. Drinking gave him the worst headache he’d ever had and caused him to lose the most important person in his life all in just twelve short hours. 

Heyward let out a chuckle while he walked to the kitchen and poured some black coffee into a mug. “It’s alright Bub” He smiled and sat the cup on the table in front of his son. “I was eighteen once.” He laid a gentle hand on his son’s head that was still covered by the hood of his jacket.“This is obviously your first hangover so I’ll let you off with a warning but, I don’t want this becoming a habit you understand?” His voice eased itself into a stricter tone at the end and Pope nodded slowly, finally lifting his head back up. “Yes sir” He whispered. 

Heyward smiled at his son. He raised a good boy and he knew it. “Now you drink that coffee and then get you a shower, I don’t want your mama to see you like this.” He told him and Pope nodded again while taking a sip of the coffee. “And get yourself some Aspirin in ya. It’ll kick that headache.” 

“Thanks, Dad”, Pope offered his father a weak smile before he walked out of the kitchen leaving his son to nurse his hangover. Pope knew that within a few hours his headache would be gone but he wasn’t sure if the heartache in his chest was ever really going to go away

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JJ laid stationery on his bed listening to the familiar sound of his father fumbling around in the kitchen through the thin walls of his bedroom. He couldn’t have gotten more than an hour or so of sleep the night before. His mind was running a mile a minute and he probably would have been warmer if he just slept outside somewhere. His dad obviously had forgotten to pay the gas bill and JJ could see his breath hanging in the air above him every time air escaped his lips. The tip of his nose was bright red and he shivered even with the blanket wrapped around him. 

It blew the boy’s mind to think that just the night before he had been warm in Pope’s bed with his arms wrapped around him, keeping him cozy and safe.  _ Why did you stop him?  _ The question haunted JJ from the moment he ran out of the Chateau. JJ knew that Pope was drunk and that he really didn’t know what he was doing but at the same time it was probably JJ’s only chance to actually be with Pope and he blew it. It could have been God saying ‘Hey kid sorry I sorta fucked you over the last eighteen years. Here have this.’ And JJ completely fucked it up. He could have woken up with strong arms holding him close and his head on Pope’s chest instead of freezing cold under an old comforter with his drunk dad cursing in the kitchen.

_ He would have regretted it the second he opened his eyes.  _ JJ wrapped his arms around himself from underneath the blanket. Thinking about the look on Pope’s face when he woke up next to him. The fear, the regret, the disgust. JJ shivered again and squeezed his eyes shut. He was glad he stopped it. A night with the boy he loved wasn’t worth his friendship with Pope. It wasn’t worth giving up the way Pope looked at him because fuck he loved the way Pope looked at him. 

He hoped that maybe Pope had forgotten about last night all together.  _ He was plastered. Maybe he won’t remember anything and I can just pretend that it never happened.  _ JJ knew that pretending that Pope running his hands over his skin and leaving sloppy but soft kisses along his neck wasn’t the most amazing moment of his entire life was going to be hard, but he had to try. He really didn’t know how he was going to look at Pope the same again. How the fuck was he supposed to see the beautiful boy and not burry his face in his neck and beg him to call him baby again?  _ Hold me again. Tell me that you worry about me again.  _ The thought alone sends butterflies to the blonde’s stomach.  _ He worries about me. He said that he worries about me and that he wanted to protect me or something about Rapunzel, I don’t know but he did say he worries about me.  _ JJ recalled. 

_ He’s your friend stupid. Of course, he worries about you. You’re a fucking mess, all of your friends worry about you. It doesn’t mean they want your dick, stupid.  _ JJ chewed hard on his bottom lip. Pope said a lot of stuff last night and JJ could continue to dissect every little thing that came out of Pope’s mouth just like he had been doing for the past eight hours but he knew that it was a bad idea. He was drunk. It’s that simple. He was drunk and horny and JJ was there and that’s the end of the story. Pope would have done the same thing had it been Kie or some random person from the beach. JJ’s stomach dropped at the thought. Kie wouldn’t have let it go on for even a quarter of how long JJ did but, some random person probably wouldn’t have stopped him at all. 

JJ didn’t want that for Pope. To lose his virginity the way he did, to someone he didn’t know and who would probably be gone before the week was over. Pope deserved to be loved and cherished. Fuck the kid deserved to be fucking worshipped and some random touron couldn’t do that. They don’t know or even care how wonderful Pope is. They don’t know that he is probably the smartest person on the entire planet (at least in JJ’s opinion) and that he won the Lucas T. Vanderhorst Merit Scholarship and was going to one of the best colleges on the east coast on a full ride because of it. They had no idea how loyal and devoted Pope was to his friends and the people that he loved. That Pope cared so deeply about things that most others would go through their entire lives without ever even thinking about. Like, how Otters and Penguins mate for life and that  Alaska has the highest suicide rate  in the country (When Pope first told him this, JJ made what he thought was a very funny joke about it probably having to do with Sarah Palin but Pope just gave him the JJ look and said that it was actually because of how cold and dark it was there) Pope was just so wonderfully different. Different than anyone that JJ had ever met and he wanted whoever Pope was with to appreciate that about him. Appreciate how he was so observant and that he never judged and was kind and logical and funny and sweet and good and so easy to talk to and sexy and strong and perfect and fuck JJ’s head hurt. 

The boy sighed and ran his cold hands over his face. He needed to talk to Pope. He needed to make sure that even if Pope didn’t forget what happened that this wasn’t something that had to affect their friendship. That they could just forget that it ever happened and never talk about it again.  _ And then he’ll hug me the way Pope does and say sorry a million times and then we’ll go fishing in the Marsh and everything will be fine.  _ JJ tried to convince himself while slowly sitting up in his bed and reaching for his phone. 

He had gotten a text from Kie about how she made it home safe and another from John B about how neither he or his dad would be home but he was welcome to stay on the couch as always. There however were no new messages from Pope and JJ couldn’t decide if this was a good or bad thing. If Pope didn’t remember what happened he would really have no reason to text JJ but if he did remember and didn’t text JJ that might mean that he was upset with JJ for letting it go on for as long as he did.  _ Fuck what if he’s disgusted with himself and he doesn’t want to see you at all.  _ JJ’s breath began to quicken and a cold sweat started to form on his forehead.  _ God what if he left last night after I did.  _ Fear crept into JJ’s chest. What if Pope didn’t stay at the Chateau? He could have done anything after JJ left. He could have gotten himself hurt. JJ frantically clicked on Pope’s contact and held the phone up to his ear while he listened to the dial tone. 

“Come on Pope '', JJ whispered shakily into the phone praying to hear Pope’s voice on the other end. After a few more rings the call went to voicemail and JJ’s stomach dropped. “Fuck!” He hopped out of his bed and frantically through his shoes on his feet before beginning to climb out his bedroom window. He didn’t have time to fuck with his dad, he had to find Pope. 

His mind was racing and his heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. He found himself running to the shed behind his house and his shaky hands pulled his dirt bike into the grass so that he could jump on.  _ Selfish. You left him alone because you're selfish. He needed you. He was drunk and he needed you and you left him alone.  _

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

After a hot shower and a couple of aspirin Pope slowly felt himself begin to feel less like actual death and more like a normal person might after a night of drinking. Not the best but not necessarily longing for a decade-long coma either. Heyward decided that Pope’s punishment was that he had to work instead of nursing his hangover for the rest of the day. Pope figured this was pretty fair given the fact that his dad was only making him do inventory and not actually run deliveries like usual. 

Pope was actually pretty grateful for the distraction. Laying around all day would just mean thinking about JJ and how he didn’t love him and never would and Pope figured he had the rest of his life to be depressed about that so today he could just hang out at Heywards and count soup cans and fishing bobbers with Josh. Josh was a kid that Pope’s dad hired during the Summer to help out when Pope started to get more busy working on his scholarship. He was a year behind Pope in school but Pope actually enjoyed talking to him. Josh was nice and at least in Pope’s experience, it wasn’t very often that you came across people that were genuinely nice, especially not to him. 

The two boys sat on upside-down buckets with clipboards in their laps while they counted out bait and waited for customers to come in and grab fishing gear and sugary snacks. Every once in awhile Pope found himself rubbing his temples in an attempt to get rid of his remaining headache. Josh smiled over at Pope and laughed lightly “Rough night?” He teased playfully while hanging plastic bobbers back on the shelves. 

Pope nodded slowly “You don’t even wanna know” Pope retorted earning another soft laugh from Josh. “That bad huh?” He asked. Pope shrugged and checked off boxes on the clipboard in his lap. “Just overdid it, I guess. Drank a little more than I should have,” Pope looked over at Josh, who now had a slightly puzzled look on his face. “I didn’t know you drank”, Josh looked back on the shelf to avoid Pope’s eyes “You don’t really seem like the type”

“I’m not.” Pope answered back with a slight sigh “Usually”, He added.  _ Except I’m in love with my best friend and it’s getting harder and harder to hide it so I’ve resorted to alcohol to cope.  _ Josh nodded slowly but still refused to turn his head to look over at Pope. “Girlfriend troubles?” He asked while chewing on his bottom lip and setting a can of soup on the shelf. 

Pope stopped in his tracks and scrunched his eyebrows together while turning over to Josh. “Girlfriend?” He asked confused “I don’t have a girlfriend” Josh’s eyes widened slightly and turned to finally look at Pope. “You don’t?” He asked and Pope could have sworn that excitement laced the boy's voice. “But what about that pretty girl with all the bracelets that comes in here with you all the time?” 

Pope let out a chuckle at this. “Kie?” He smiled “Dude Kie’s not my girlfriend”, The thought alone made Pope want to burst out in laughter. He and Kie would make zero sense together. He could hardly believe the fact that someone actually thought that the two were interested in one another. Don’t get him wrong, Pope loved Kie and she was obviously beautiful and amazing but, one she was a girl, two she was like a sister to him, and three in all six years he’d known the girl he had never felt any sort of romantic spark for her. Oh, and four, she’s not a pretty blonde boy with ADHD and anger issues. 

Josh pressed his lips together to hide a smile “Oh. That’s cool” He turned back to the shelf and started stacking cans of soup again. Pope could have sworn that a blush formed on the boy's cheeks but he didn’t have time to think about it before the roaring of a dirt bike engine filled his ears. Both boys turned their heads at the noise and only seconds after it stopped the door of the shop swung open and a frantic-looking JJ ran inside. 

“Pope!” He called out while looking around in all directions, his chest heaving and his hair a mess. Pope immediately stood up revealing himself from behind the shelf. “J?” Pope asked slowly while walking towards the disheveled boy. Pope’s eyes flooded with worry. JJ looked about as good as he felt, his hair was even messier than usual and cheeks were bright red indicating that he had been riding his dirt bike without a helmet, even though he knew Pope hated it when he did that. He was also still wearing the same clothes that Pope had given him yesterday morning. 

The soft sound of Pope saying his name brought JJ back to life. He looked in the direction of his friend and for the first time since he left his bedroom, he felt like he could breathe. “Pope” JJ whispered to himself and threw his arms around the boy the second he could reach him. He buried his head in Pope’s neck breathing in his scent and feeling his familiar warmth surround his body. It was the first time he’d felt warm since last night.  _ He’s safe.  _

Pope instinctively wrapped his arms around JJ’s waist and rubbed a hand over his back. “J? What happened, are you okay?” Pope asked quickly, panic-stricken by his friend's state. Something terrible must have happened to warrant this kind of reaction, especially after what Pope had done to him the last time he saw him. Pope pulled away slightly, just enough to grab JJ’s face in his hands gently and examined the blonde. 

JJ felt tears of joy prickle his eyes.  _ He’s still touching me. He’s safe and he’s not disgusted with me.  _ “I’m fine” JJ laughed lightly, looking into Pope’s eyes. “Fuck you scared me”, He whispered a tear slipping down his cheek while he lightly punched Pope’s shoulder. 

Pope looked into JJ’s eyes and used the pad of his thumb to wipe away JJ’s tear. A sad smile formed on his lips. “I scared you?” He whispered, “How did I scare you?” JJ sniffed “You didn’t answer your phone and I went full JJ”, He teased, “I thought your drunk ass walked off the boardwalk or something” He laughed breathily. The thought was definitely not funny ten minutes ago. “I drove to the Chateau and when you weren’t there I almost drove my bike into the water,” JJ couldn’t muster a laugh this time, just a sob and he buried his face back in Pope’s neck. “I thought I lost you” He whispered through the tears. 

Pope’s heart clenched and he bit down on the inside of his cheek to fight his own tears from falling. He kept his arms tight around JJ while one hand rubbed the boys back soothingly and the other pet the back of his hair. “I’m sorry J”, Pope sniffed “My phone was dead. I just left it on the charger. I'm sorry.” He silently vowed to never ever ever miss a JJ call again for as long as he lived. “I’m really sorry I didn’t mean to scare you” He whispered into the blonde's ear. 

Pope was feeling just about every emotion possible. The fact that he scared JJ so much made him hate himself all over but at the same time, he thought that the boy was never going to want to see him again so he was kind of on cloud 9 right now. “I'm sorry” he whispered again and pressed a kiss to JJ’s tear-soaked cheek. This triggered JJ to lift his head off Pope’s shoulder and he looked into Pope’s eyes. Brown met Blue and Pope swallowed, fearing that he took it a little too far and that JJ was going to bolt again. 

JJ’s lips parted slightly, bright and red. He had had tear tracks covering his rosy cheeks and his hair was in an utter state of disarray. He had dark circles under his eyes as though he hadn’t slept in days. Pope swore he had never seen him look so beautiful. “Don’t ever scare me like that again,” JJ whispered and their noses bumped one another. 

“Um.. is everything okay?” An awkward voice called out from across the store and the boys broke apart. Instead of springing backward, however, JJ found himself leaning into Pope’s side with wide eyes. Josh looked between the two boys before his eyes definitively landed on Pope. Josh was a nice kid and all but Pope was about to take a murder charge on him for breaking their embrace. JJ didn’t like looking vulnerable around people and he didn’t really know or particularly like Josh. ‘There’s something about him, Pope’ He would always say in regards to the boy. ‘Doesn’t sit right with me.’

“We’re good Josh”, Pope said quickly and out of the corner of his eye, he could see JJ wiping the remaining tears off his face with the back of his hand. “Dude don’t you have gummy worms to stock or something” JJ muttered rudely and Pope desperately wanted to squeeze his hand in an attempt to calm him down. 

Josh scowled at JJ and before he could fire anything back Pope stepped forward and walked closer to him. “Um actually there are a couple of boxes in the back J, could you go take care of them for me?” He asked in the nicest voice he could muster. “I’ll be back there in a little while to help” He smiled and after sending another glare in JJ’s direction he nodded at Pope and headed to the back of the store. 

Pope sighed in relief and turned back to JJ whose fist was clenched at his side, with a cold glare on his face. Pope rested his hand on JJ’s arm “Hey don’t worry about him okay he’s just a nosey kid”, Pope attempted an awkward laugh but JJ didn’t budge. “You call him J?” He asked, his icy stare making Pope feel cold. “What?” Pope answered, confused. 

“You called the kid J”, JJ repeated, hurt slipping out of his voice this time and Pope finally understood what he meant. “Oh! Yeah. I mean no!” He quickly corrected himself “No I don’t. I mean I never have before. I was just nervous and I was trying to get rid of him and it sort of slipped out,” Pope explained himself and slowly watched JJ’s icy stare melt away. Pope bit down on his lip nervously “I mean..You’re my J, you know?” He whispered nervously and felt his face heat up at his own words. 

JJ’s already red cheeks burned and he pressed his lips together tightly  _ You're my J You're my J You're my J You're my J You're my J.  _ “Um” JJ blushed and looked down at his shoes. He was suddenly very aware of the state he was in. He hadn’t showered all weekend and was wearing Pope’s clothes for the second day in a row. Pope was drunk as fuck last night and yet he still smells delicious and looks like he just walked off the set of a fucking Old Spice commercial. “Um...I should get to JB’s and ya know shower and stuff.” He muttered, not meeting Pope’s eyes. 

Pope nodded slowly, trying not to look as disappointed as he felt.  _ I got rid of him for a reason, dummy _ . He thought. “Yeah okay cool”, Pope nodded nonchalantly. He slowly realized that last night still happened. JJ cared about him and he didn’t want to see him dead but he still didn’t  _ want  _ him. A sad smile stretched on Pope’s lips “I guess I’ll see you at school tomorrow.” 

JJ nodded and smiled awkwardly “Yeah, school”, He slowly started to back away “I’m glad you’re not dead!” He joked and let out another awkward laugh before completely walking out of the store and immediately clapping his hands over his face in embarrassment.  _ Idiot.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry!!! Okay, I'm not sure how I feel about this one. I kind of hate the ending but it was getting so long I had to end it somewhere. These boys are dumb but I love them almost as much as they love each other. Haha oh, and did you notice my not so subtle Pope/Kiara shade? Also jealous bitch JJ confirmed :) anyway, I love comments so much they make my day so feel free to let me know what you think!  
> Feedback is always welcome!


	7. Honest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Are we something to each other? Or are we just blowing smoke? Are we caught between the covers? Or is there something more going on in between us, or not? Is it just on the surface, or what?"

Five Days. Pope had not seen or spoke to JJ in five days. This is the longest the two had ever gone without talking in the eight years that they had been friends and Pope seriously thought he was about to start going through JJ withdraws. As if he didn’t see the bubbly blonde soon he would start shaking and break out into a cold sweat. Even during the week he spent with his grandparents during the summer before ninth grade Pope had texted JJ constantly and the two facetimed almost every night. The pair very rarely went days without talking. Pope figured that he could just sit and talk to JJ for the rest of his life and he would never get bored, never run out of things to talk about, and never get sick of watching bright blue eyes glow while JJ told his outrageous stories. JJ was Pope’s person. His person that he could talk to about anything, anytime, so, going a whole school week without seeing his boy was starting to take a toll on him. 

On Monday at school when John B told him that JJ didn’t feel like showing up, Pope just shrugged it off. JJ had his off days when he didn’t feel like coming to school, no big deal. On Tuesday when Pope didn’t see his favorite pair of dimples smiling at him from the other side of the locker room like he normally did, he tried to not think much of it. P.E was the only class besides lunch that the two had together and it was the only one that JJ didn’t regularly skip (Pope likes to think that it was because he had it with him but Pope was always a big fan of wishful thinking) When Wednesday rolled around and JJ didn’t join the group for a dinner at The Wreck, Pope started to get worried. But, when Thursday hit and JJ ignored his texts and skipped out on movie night, he started to get pissed. It was now Friday and Pope was once again changing out of his gym clothes with no JJ to be seen. He knew he was at school, John B said they walked in together and he knew that nothing was wrong with JJ’s phone because Kie had mentioned something about him texting her to ask for chemistry homework. Even Sarah had commented about talking to the blonde throughout the week. It seemed like the only person that wasn’t getting their JJ fix was Pope and he was starting to get pretty annoyed about it. 

Pope slammed his gym locker shut and ignored the stare’s from the other half dressed boys in the room as he flounced outside the gym.  _ Okay so yeah I fucked up, but he doesn’t have to ignore me. If he has a problem he can just talk to me about it! How come I’m the only one he won’t talk to?  _ Pope thought that after their reconciliation at Heyward’s that they would be okay. That JJ still cared about him and they could just move past the awkward rift that Pope had wedged between them, but he guessed he was wrong. All he really knew was that he missed JJ. He missed his ridiculous jokes, his unmatchable energy that filled any room that he walked into, his smiles, his laugh, his stupid stupid face that Pope just wanted to kiss all over, he missed talking to the blonde. He missed his best friend. The one thing Pope has always told himself was that he’d rather repress his feelings for JJ and have him as a friend then confess his love for him and not have the other boy in his life at all. He needs JJ. 

Pope pulled his phone out of his pocket and clicked on JJ’s name. He had sent the boy a handful of text throughout the week and all had been left unresponded. It hurt. 

From:  **Pope**

To:  **JJ**

_ I was gonna play some smash bros tonight if you wanna come over?  _

_ We can order a pizza  _

Pope chewed on his bottom lip after he pressed send. His heart was pounding and he had butterflies in his stomach but not for the normal reason that he would get butterflies after he asked JJ to play video games with him. JJ had never said no to him before. Pope didn’t listen to a word his teacher had to say about microeconomics. He spent the entirety of class staring at his backpack and bouncing his knee up and down wondering if JJ had responded to him. When the final bell of the day finally rang Pope sprang out of his seat and pulled his phone out of his bag checking his messages. A bright smile formed on his face when for the first time in days JJ’s name flashed across the screen. The smile disappeared almost as quickly as it came and Pope felt his stomach drop. 

From:  **JJ**

To:  **Pope**

_ I’m busy 2night. Sorry.  _

Pope stood in the middle of the hallway staring at the four words while anxious teenagers pushed around him, eager to make it out the doors to begin their weekend. He didn’t know how long he was standing there before Kie grabbed his shoulders with a bright smile. “What’s up loser? You run out of lives in Candy Crush again?” She teased. Pope couldn’t fake a smile, not even for Kie. He just shoved his phone in his pocket and swallowed the lump in his throat. Kie’s smile quickly faded and a look of concern took over her face. “Hey, are you okay?” She asked examining Pope. 

Pope tightly gripped his backpack strap while looking down at Kie. “Have you talked to JJ?” He asked seriously, ignoring her initial question. Kie shrugged and shook her head “Yeah just a little bit ago”, She spoke casually. Of course she did. JJ wasn’t ignoring her. “Why? Is he okay?”

Pope rolled his eyes and shook his head before starting to walk away. “Yeah, he’s fine.” He mumbled, “He’s just fucking fine.”  _ He’s fine without me. He doesn’t need me. Not seeing him is fucking eating me up inside but don’t worry JJ is absolutely fucking fine.  _ Pope stomped out of the school, leaving a confused Kiara standing in the hallway. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

JJ figured he could markdown the past week as the worst one in his entire life. And he’d had some pretty rough weeks. However, the difference between this week and all the others was that he didn’t have a heart-stopping smile from the most beautiful boy in the world to make everything okay again. JJ couldn’t get himself off John B’s couch on Monday morning. He couldn’t face Pope. He knew that he wasn’t going to be able to see the boy without wrapping his arms around him and crashing his lips against his. Well, JJ always wanted to do that when he saw Pope, but it was getting to the point where he didn’t feel like he could control himself to not actually do it anymore. 

_ He’ll be gone soon.  _ That’s what JJ kept telling himself.  _ He’ll be gone soon and you have to just get fucking used to it. He’s better than this town and he’s better than all the small-minded assholes in it. He’s better than you.  _ JJ had decided that there was no better time to start missing Pope like the present so he better just get started now. He’s got his work cut out for him. Hell, he’s got a good eight years of pining and memories to repress. He can’t keep relying on Pope’s soft touches and sweet smiles to get him through the day because very soon they’re not going to be around anymore. Pope doesn’t love him, and soon he’s going to leave him. Better to just forget. 

The only real problem with his plan is that forgetting Pope Heyward is a lot easier said than done. JJ began just skipping classes that he had with Pope and avoiding any areas or events that he might run into him at. This worked out fine for like a day before JJ realized that his entire daily routine kind of revolved around Pope. Most mornings they would walk into school together, ate lunch together, met up in between classes, hung out with the same group, and essentially danced around one another on a day to day basis. He was able to come up with half-ass excuses to skip lunch and any hangouts that he would otherwise normally attend and as far as he could tell it wasn’t turning his friend's heads yet. Emphasis on yet. JJ knew that he wasn’t going to be able to keep this up for much longer without an intervention on how important “quality time” is amongst friends. Thank you very much, Kie. 

Okay, maybe there was also another small problem with his plan. He missed Pope. Like he really really fucking missed Pope. He did everything he could to remind himself that this was the whole point. He is going to miss Pope and getting over it now is better than pining for another six months just to watch him leave and never look back. But, that didn’t make his heart ache any less. That didn’t help him fall asleep at night while he quietly sobbed into the couch cushions in John B’s living room. It didn’t keep him from staring at Pope’s text messages and constantly typing and deleting replies. None of them were too heavy. Mostly just “Hi’s” and “Are you okay’s” easy enough to ignore without feeling like the biggest dick to ever walk the face of the Earth. This was for Pope too. He didn’t want Pope to miss him. He wanted him to enjoy his new life that he was going to build off the island. His JJ free life. 

Everything was going fine. Well, miserable but JJ could handle miserable. Until Friday rolled around and he was greeted with a new text from Pope, one that he could not so easily ignore. 

From:  **Pope**

To:  **JJ**

_ I was gonna play some smash bros tonight if you wanna come over?  _

_ We can order a pizza  _

JJ’s heart stuttered.  _ Yes yes God please yes.  _ The familiar thought of him and Pope sitting knee to knee on the edge of Pope’s bed, controllers in their hands greasy from their fingers after shoveling pizza and popcorn into their mouths. Wearing Pope’s sweatpants, falling asleep in his bed, waking up to the smell of Mrs. Heyward’s blueberry pancakes, feeling safe and warm and wanted. The safest place in the world. Spending Friday night the way he had so many times before, his favorite way to spend it, with Pope. JJ chewed on the inside of his cheek. He didn’t know that the last time they spent a night like that would actually be their last and he internally fought with himself to not just say fuck his whole plan and let himself back into the safety that was video games in Pope Heyward’s bedroom on a Friday night, but he didn’t. He wouldn’t allow himself that luxury. So, he did what he did best, he lied. 

From:  **JJ**

To:  **Pope**

_ I’m busy 2night. Sorry.  _

As if he would actually ever choose anything or anyone over Pope, but Pope didn’t need to know that. JJ put his phone away and prepared himself for the walk home. His own house was for sure the last place he wanted to be at the start of the weekend, his Dad freshly paid and ready for a weekend bender, but he didn’t have anywhere else to go. After turning down Pope, he couldn’t risk him showing up to the Chateau and seeing him crying on the couch watching Nascar with Big John. And he damn sure didn’t want to actually make other plans for tonight, not when he knew what he could be doing instead.

JJ was rudely ripped from his melancholy thoughts when Kie shoved him on the shoulder nearly knocking him into a wall full of lockers. Tiny but mighty. “Damn Kie! What the fuck?” He exclaimed, catching his balance. “If that was anyone else but you I would have ripped their face off.” Kie simply rolled her eyes at the empty threat and crossed her arms. The disappointed mother look that all three boys had grown quite familiar with over the years. “What?” JJ sighed, his arms dramatically hitting his sides “What’d I do now?” 

“I don’t know dumbass what did you do?” Kie retorted, arms still crossed in front of JJ, blocking him from his escape.  _ Well, that’s not fair how am I supposed to keep track of all the shit that I do that could potentially disappoint Kie.  _ JJ simply shrugged dumbly with a bored expression on his face.  _ She’s got a shift at The Wreck in 20 minutes, she’ll give up soon.  _ Kie’s glare only intensified at this “Whatever the fuck you and Pope are fighting about you need to hurry up and get over it because I’m not going to sit through another movie night without everyone in attendance”, JJ scrunched his eyebrows together in confusion. “What?” He asked “Pope and I aren’t fighting.”  _ Pope and I aren’t fighting are we?  _ “Well, it sure fucking looks like it the way you’ve been avoiding him all week.” She bit back, watching JJ’s face fall at the words “Yeah dummy don’t think I didn’t notice” 

JJ sighed and ran a hand over his face “Look Kie, I’m tired and I really don’t feel like talking about this right now.” He attempted to get her to back off. Just long enough so that he could get home and come up with a new plan because obviously, this one was not working out very well for anyone. “That’s fine” Kie shrugged nonchalantly “I’m not the one you need to explain anything to”, She finally uncrossed her arms and gave JJ one last disheartened look before finally turning around and walking out of the school. 

JJ remained in the empty hallway for a few more moments before finally walking out. Now not only can he not see Pope anymore but the rest of his friends are mad at him too. Even when he tries to do the right thing he fucks up. He just wants to do the right thing. He doesn’t want Pope to miss him, he doesn’t want him to feel the pain that he feels.  _ He won’t. He doesn’t love you. Not like that.  _ JJ took a shaky breath and his eyes began to sting.  _ Don’t cry. Don’t let him see you cry.  _ He knew the moment he opened the door to his house his father would be inside halfway through a bottle of Jack Daniels by now. The last thing JJ needed was for his father to call him a pussy before he retired to his room to cry over a boy. 

The front door creaked when JJ entered and his dad was in the kitchen with a few empty beer bottles around him on the counter. JJ kept his eyes forward and tried to not do anything to draw his attention while he made a B-line for his bedroom. It was still freezing inside and he immediately popped on Pope’s sweatshirt that he “forgot” to return to him. JJ figured if he couldn’t have Pope, he could at least have his sweatshirt. The blonde laid down on his bed and covered his hands over his face with a sigh. He wished he could be like one of those cool bad guys in the movies that could just turn off their feelings and cut people off without any hesitation. But JJ wasn’t a one-dimensional character in a movie, he had feelings. He had a bleeding heart that yearned for a boy that would never love him back. He loved his friends with everything in him and soon they would be gone and he was scared and lonely and no matter how hard he tried he had no idea how to make his feelings go away. In a brief moment of conceit, JJ knew that he would rather feel, feel all of the pain and heartbreak that came with being in love, then be like his father and feel nothing at all. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Pope was always one to worry. It was what he did best. He would take tiny situations and turn them into gigantic problems with a single thought, it was a gift really. He has never been good at shutting off his brain, stopping it from making up brutal scenarios that terrify the poor boy. So, now his mind is coming up with a million and one reasons why JJ doesn’t want to see him anymore. Why he hates him.  _ He’s always hated you. You’re annoying, he’s just finally had enough of it. You almost raped him of course he wants nothing to do with you asshole, just stay away from him so you can’t try and hurt him anymore.  _ Pope groaned loudly and put his hands over his ears as if he could block out the sound of his own thoughts.  _ NO! _ He wanted to scream.  _ I would never hurt JJ ever.  _ His breath was shaky and his chest felt tight as he paced around his room. He tried to steady his breathing but it was growing harder and harder to steady his breath and think at the same time.  _ I love him. I love him more than anything in the world and I would never ever hurt him. Fuck I wanna murder anyone that ever puts their hands on him.  _ He tugged at his hair and sat on the edge of his bed. He thought about who JJ could be with. Kie was working, John B was with Sarah. 

_ It’s a girl. A pretty girl that says normal shit and is soft and sexy and smells good and is everything that you’re not. Everything he wants.  _ Pope groaned again and tugged his hair harder. “STOP!” He yelled at himself through gritted teeth as hot tears poured down his cheeks.  _ I have to see him. I have to see him. I have to talk to him. I need him.  _ No matter how much JJ hated him, he was still the only person in the world that could pull Pope back. The only person that could rescue him from his own head. 

With shaky hands, he grabbed his phone and clicked on the phone icon by JJ’s contact and brought it up to his ear. “Please”, He whispered shakily while listening to the ringing in his ear. “Please J.” His teeth chattered together when after several rings the voicemail called out in Pope’s ear. “Please J I just want to say I’m sorry”, He sobbed, while his phone landed in his lap and he cupped his face in his hands. He sniffed and wiped his tears and after a few seconds tried calling again and his heart stopped when the ringing abruptly ended and a familiar voice answered the phone. “JJ?” Pope asked with wide eyes and he wiped his face again while perking up on the bed.

“Hey, are you okay?” JJ asked over the phone and Pope tried to steady his breath. He hadn’t heard JJ’s voice in days and it was almost fucking orgasmic.  _ I miss you. I miss you. I need you. I love you. I’m sorry. I love you. I’m sorry that I love you.  _ “Pope?” JJ asked again while Pope was busy taking in the sound of JJ’s voice. “Yeah,” He said quickly “Yeah. Yeah. I’m fine. I just…” Pope’s heart was pounding. He needed to see him. He needed an excuse. A reason to see his face. “I want my sweatshirt back.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Great, just fucking great. Right, when JJ thinks that his week can’t get any worse he has to give back the only thing that was going to bring him any God damn comfort all weekend. He fully intended on lying in his bed for the next two days wrapped up in Pope's sweatshirt and crying. But, no Pope needs it back because it’s the only Heyward’s sweatshirt he can find and he has to wear it to work. Awesome.  _ His dad owns the fucking store! How is this the only sweatshirt he has with the logo on it?  _ JJ took the sweatshirt off when he was about halfway to Heyward’s and gave it one last sniff before folding it up in his arms. Disappointingly, because JJ had been wearing it pretty much every day for the last week, it no longer smelled of Pope. It was sprinkling outside and with the hoodie now off the rain droplets dotted JJ’s arms and hair giving him goosebumps. 

He was terrified to see Pope. Terrified and ecstatic. Fuck he missed him. Hearing his voice on the phone nearly gave him a heart attack so God only knows what he’s gonna do when he sees him for real. He stood by the rail outside of Heyward’s when he finally arrived and as soon as he was about to pull his phone out to text Pope and let him know that he was there, a strong pair of arms wrapped around him, nearly knocking both his phone and the sweatshirt out of his hands. 

JJ didn’t fight the embrace. He melted into it. Pope was holding onto him as if JJ had been at war for the past year and was just returning home. He found his eyes drifting shut, lost in the familiar touch. Adoring the warmth of Pope’s arms around him, protecting him from the rain and everything else in the world. But, only seconds later large hands were on his chest shoving him away. JJ stumbled backward and was hit by the cold once again, making him feel so empty compared to the bliss of Pope’s arms. 

“See you at school Monday!” Pope shouted, giving JJ another shove backward. “What?” JJ asked in wide-eyed confusion while walking backward to match Pope’s steps towards him. “See you at school Monday!” Pope repeated, “Those were the last words that the great JJ Maybank uttered to me before he decided to drop off the face of the island!” He shouted angrily and JJ’s heart twisted in his chest when seeing the hurt in Pope’s eyes. “Actually no”, Pope continued and shoved JJ again, his back hitting a wall this time. “He didn’t drop off the island, he just decided that I’m no longer good enough to grace his presence I guess!” Pope yelled and JJ put a hand up in defense. 

“Pope”, JJ attempted to explain before he was immediately cut off again. “You know I know exactly what this is about”, Pope said matter of factly, and JJ’s eyes widened and his hand hit his side. “Y-you do?” JJ’s heart pounded in his chest.  _ Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.  _ Pope nodded slowly and his nostrils flared. “Yes JJ and it’s bullshit!” He shouted. JJ bit down on the inside of his cheek until he tasted the blood begin to pool over his tongue.  _ Please don’t cry.  _ He begged himself. 

“I’m sorry J! Okay, I’m so fucking sorry!” Pope exclaimed, emotion clouding his voice, and confusion struck JJ. That wasn’t what he was expecting Pope to say. “I’m sorry and I swear I’ll never ever do it again”, Pope sounded as though he was begging to not be hung for treason and JJ just stood there dumbfounded and shook his head. “Wait Pope what the hell are ya talkin about?” He asked, bewildered by Pope’s outburst. “Kissing you!” Pope yelled at him as if it were the most obvious thing in the world and JJ’s cheeks immediately reddened. 

Pope took a deep breath and took a few steps back away from JJ. Apparently calmer than before Pope began speaking again. “I’m really sorry”, Pope spoke in the gentlest tone that he had used since JJ had arrived. “Okay, I don’t want you to hate me. I can’t have you hate me. You mean too much to me JJ”,  _ You mean everything to me.  _ He wanted to say. “Just, no more bullshit alright?” He refused to meet JJ’s eyes. “You know how I feel and-” JJ shook his head, cutting Pope off “Do I?” He questioned him “You got drunk and sucked on my neck and so now I’m supposed to know how you feel?” JJ insisted putting his finger at his own chest and Pope felt his face heat up at his words. 

A wave of guilt washed over Pope once again. “I’m sorry”, He whispered, his voice cracking in the process. “I’m really really sorry JJ. I shouldn’t have touched you without asking and I swear I’ll never do it again”, A tear slipped out of his left eye. Pope forced himself to look into JJ’s eyes.  _ The amount of times this poor boy had been greeted with unwanted touches and you just fucking forced yourself onto him, what’s wrong with you?  _ Pope sucked in a breath. He looked over JJ’s angelic face, his eyes were holding so much emotion that Pope couldn’t even begin to tell what he was feeling. “I'm just..”, Pope ran his hands over his face so that he didn’t have to look at JJ any longer. “I just couldn’t take it anymore!” He exasperated. 

“Couldn’t take what Pope?” JJ yelled back at him. He was confused and cold and wanted another hug but he had no idea what Pope was talking about and was starting to feel like maybe this had nothing to do with the sweatshirt at all. “What couldn’t you take?” 

“You!” Pope boomed stepping closer to JJ again. “Fucking you JJ! You walking around looking like a fucking Greek God all the time and me never being able to do anything about it! You can’t just walk around looking like that”, He motioned up and down JJ’s body “and wear my fucking clothes looking cute as fuck and not expect it to do things to me, man!” He put his hands on his head in exhaustion while JJ stood with his back against the wall and his mouth hanging open slightly. “Speaking of which will you please put that fucking hoodie on!” He yelled, annoyed, motioning to the sweatshirt in JJ’s arms as if it were just adding to his list of problems. “It’s fucking freezing rain out here and you’re in a cut off shirt”, Pope shook his head in annoyance. 

While JJ slowly began to process Pope’s words, as if on autopilot he dumbly obeyed Pope’s orders and pulled the hoodie back over his head. Pope looked back up at JJ, his eyes full of childlike confusion looking absolutely adorable and wearing his shirt and he groaned. “God, see I know you don’t mean to do it but fuck!” Pope sighed loudly.  _ Is this what snapping feels like? Fuck have I finally snapped?  _ JJ stood in shock, his lips parted “Don’t mean to do what?” JJ’s voice cracked looking at Pope with wide-eyed confusion. 

“Make me love you”, Pope swallowed the lump in his throat. Now or never. JJ felt like the wind was knocked out of him. “I know you don’t mean to, but I can’t stop thinking about you J, ever”, He whispered emotionally. “And I’m sorry that I do but I can’t lose you man I can’t”, Pope shook his head frantically. “Pope”, JJ whispered quietly. Pope kept shaking his head in fear of what JJ would say. He thought if he just kept talking JJ would never be able to leave him. “No, I know it’s weird and I’m sorry, but it’s not like we can't be friends okay? People have crushes on their friends all the time.” Pope tried to reason even though he knew damn well that this had been more than just a “crush” for the past four years. 

JJ started walking towards Pope shaking his head slowly “Pope stop”, He whispered again. “It doesn’t have to be weird”, Pope insisted “and I’ll never try anything on you again. I won’t look at you like that I swear. Nothing between us has to change okay? I don't want it to.” JJ was right in front of him now. “Pope” JJ grabbed the sides of his face. “What?” Pope whispered, out of breath and his heart pounding. “Shut up”, JJ whispered, looking into Pope’s eyes and pressing their lips together. 

At that moment where JJ’s lips collided with Pope’s, he felt everything around him fade away, everything that wasn’t Pope. The weight of the world was lifted off his shoulders and all of his worries melted into the kiss. After the initial shock, Pope wrapped his arms around JJ’s waist, pulling him against his body. JJ’s hands slowly slid from Pope’s cheeks down until his arms wrapped around his neck. It was slow but emotional. Pope’s lips were even softer than JJ had imagined and he tasted like toothpaste. His heart beat rapidly in his chest and he knew Pope had to feel it thumping against him. 

It could not have lasted longer than a couple of seconds but to the pair it could have been an eternity, when Pope slowly broke the kiss, leaving another small peck on JJ’s bottom lip before pulling away just enough to see JJ’s face. Neither noticed that the rain had picked up until they separated and Pope reached up to stroke JJ’s now wet bangs that were matting to his forehead, out of his eyes. JJ’s breath hitched and he shivered at the touch and a small smile formed on his lips. “Woah”, He whispered breathlessly and Pope chuckled lightly looking into the other's eyes. “Yeah”, He agreed “Woah.” 

__

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally!! No one interrupted this time! I got this one done a lot sooner than usual but I was really excited to finally have them kiss. We love angst but only with the promise of fluff after.   
> I love reading your guys comments and thank you so much to anyone that takes the time to write one :)  
> Feedback is always welcome!


	8. Somewhere Only We Know

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And if you have a minute, why don't we go. Talk about it somewhere only we know? This could be the end of everything. So why don't we go Somewhere only we know? Somewhere only we know."

Bliss. It was something that JJ had never experienced before in his entire life. He’d been happy before, elated even. Summer days on the water, fishing pole in one hand a beer in the other, and his friends laughing around him. Movie nights, especially ones when it was his turn to pick the movie (He almost always picked _ Dazed and Confused _ ), Surfing, the beach at night, the beach during the day, the beach when it was almost empty, the beach when it was full of bright-eyed tourons (He would never admit it but JJ secretly loved watching tourons admire the ocean, he thought it was cute) the beach all around made JJ happy. The Chateau, getting free food at The Wreck, doing well on a test, and having Pope hug him and tell him that he was proud of him. When Big John called him “son” or when Mr. Heyward would pat him on the back and thank him for helping out, or simply saying “Good work today”. His friends especially though. JJ’s friends were his main source of happiness, just being around them. Knowing that no matter how annoying or obnoxious he was, they still loved him. John B never had much but anything he did have he would split right down the middle with JJ any day of the week. His toys, his food, his clothes, his fucking house for God’s sake. He loved him like a brother. Kie was probably the only person in the world that wouldn’t put up with JJ’s shit. She was always the first to call him out but also the first to have his back. Kie looked out for him, maybe even a little more than the others. The way a mother would care for the runt of her litter, Kie always kept a close eye on JJ. Even Sarah, who JJ, much to his own surprise, grew attached to quite quickly. He liked having her around, not only did she make his best friend happier than he’d ever seen him, but she also added quite the dynamic to the group. Sarah was down for anything and she always did it with a smile. She was considerate and would always let JJ lead the conversations. JJ was often uncomfortable when talking about things that he didn’t know much about (unless of course, Pope was the one talking, then JJ felt as though he could sit and listen forever) and Sarah caught onto this pretty fast. So, she would sit and talk with JJ about fishing, and dirt bikes, and surfing. E ven though she herself knew almost nothing about these things, she would smile and never at all seem even the slightest bit uninterested. Oh and Pope. Pope made JJ happier than anything else. So, yes, JJ had a lot that made him happy. He knew the feeling of joy. Just not bliss. 

Not until today that is. When Pope Heyward aggressively confessed his love for him and kissed him in the rain outside of his father’s store. When he moved JJ’s wet hair out of his eyes, wearing a smile that made JJ’s insides turn into goo and ran a hand up and down his arm and told him that he looked cold. JJ was cold. He wanted Pope’s heat wrapped around his body, to be engulfed in it. JJ was too scared to say that though. He was too scared to say anything. He couldn’t form words so he kissed him instead. It was poetic really. Pope was good at words and JJ was good at action. Pope had the balls to say his feelings out loud, JJ could only do his best to show him that he felt the same way. That he always had. Longer than Pope could possibly know. 

JJ had felt happiness before, but happiness couldn’t even begin to describe what he felt when Pope’s hand slid down to catch his and he whispered in his ear “Come on let’s go warm you up”, erupting a swarm of butterflies in JJ’s belly. Then, taking him to his house and putting him into dry clothes (Giving him a new sweatshirt that was dry but more importantly smelled like Pope) and changing into dry sweatpants and a t-shirt himself. The boys stood awkwardly in Pope’s room for a moment before JJ turned to Pope, not realizing how close the other boy actually was until he could feel Pope’s warm breath on his face. JJ swallowed slowly before Pope cautiously reached out and touched his cheek, sending chills all down the boy’s body. “Please kiss me again”, JJ breathed out helplessly and Pope let out a small breathy laugh. “Well technically you were the one that kissed me”, Pope whispered nervously, his eyes locked on the blue-eyed boy who was hungrily staring at his lips. “Pope”, JJ breathed and closed his eyes. Pope took JJ’s desperate hint and pressed his lips to his slowly. This kiss was gentler than the first. There was less urgency in it. They weren’t standing in the rain where anyone could see them anymore. They were in Pope’s room, safe and hidden from the rest of the world. Together. Bliss. 

Pope reveled in it. Having JJ here in his room where he had been so many times before, only this time it was so much different. Now he could touch him, kiss him, hold him. He wanted to explore every part of JJ that he was never able to touch before but had fantasized about so many times and he wanted to take his time doing it. He wanted to cherish every single second he had of JJ. He really didn’t know how long this was going to last. If JJ was only doing this out of pure curiosity or maybe even just plain pity. 

Pope slowly ran his tongue over JJ’s bottom lip, feeling the dry skin over his tongue only making him want to tighten the grip that he had around the other’s waist.  _ Don’t bite your lips. Don’t be nervous around me.  _ JJ’s mouth opened slightly allowing Pope to explore the uncharted territory that was JJ’s mouth. When the kiss deepened JJ’s hands began to run over Pope’s shoulders and up to his face, caressing any part of Pope that he could get his hands on. His kiss grew hungry and sloppy, feeling as though he couldn’t get enough of Pope. Like if he didn’t keep up with this moment it would slip away from him. Pope attempted to keep up with JJ’s growing pace for a moment before slowly moving his hand to the blonde’s cheek and stroking it gently. “Hey Hey”, He whispered into the other’s mouth, finally breaking the kiss. “Slow down it’s okay”, Pope whispered softly, pressing a gentle kiss to the boy’s nose. “It’s okay”, He whispered again. 

JJ’s body melted under Pope’s words. His bottom lip quivered and he wrapped his arms tightly around Pope’s neck.  _ Never let me go. Please never let me go.  _ “Sorry”, JJ laughed quietly and his cheeks brightened. Pope just smiled back at him fondly with adoration filling his eyes. No one had ever looked at JJ like that and he knew that if Pope wasn’t holding onto him right now he would be on the floor in a puddle. “Slow”, JJ nodded, pressing his forehead to Pope’s. “Slow”, Pope agreed quietly and pressed another soft kiss to JJ’s lips, before slowly walking them backward until he felt the back of his knees hit his bed. 

Pope fell back on the bed and JJ stood between his legs, refusing to break the kiss. Pope strained his neck leaning up to keep his lips moving against JJ’s and reached up to grab the blonde’s face in an attempt to pull him closer. JJ’s hand pressed down on Pope’s shoulders bushing him back onto the bed and climbed on top of him, still chasing his lips. His amazing lips, that felt like they were made only to quench JJ’s never-ending thirst. Pope giggled into JJ’s mouth, now pressed into his mattress, his body completely covered by JJ. Not that he was complaining. “I should have known”, He teased “JJ Maybank doesn’t know the meaning of the word slow.” 

JJ suddenly became very aware of their new position and his face turned crimson. When did they get on the bed? Since when was he on top of Pope? JJ attempted to shuffle off of Pope while mumbling a nervous apology, but Pope only wrapped his arms around JJ’s middle, keeping him pinned to his body. “No, I’m not saying it’s a bad thing”, Pope smiled and felt JJ’s body relax again.  _ Stop freaking out J. It’s me.  _ JJ laughed nervously and chewed on his bottom lip. Pope shook his head and moved his thump to run his finger over JJ’s bottom lip. “Stop”, He whispered looking into his favorite pair of blue eyes. “You don’t have to be scared J, it’s me.” 

JJ’s heart stuttered.  _ It’s Pope. I’m with Pope.  _ JJ slowly let his body relax. He rested his forehead on Pope’s and allowed his body to get used to the feeling of being on top of him.  _ This is the safest place in the world.  _ JJ reminded himself. Pope continued to gently stroke his cheek and JJ couldn’t stop his eyes from drifting close. He could fall asleep like this. He could die like this and he would be perfectly fine. He wanted more. More Pope touching him everywhere. JJ let out a small whine and slowly rolled off of Pope to the spot in the bed beside him. JJ’s weight leaving Pope left him cold and exposed and his eyes widened at the loss. “Are you okay?” He asked quickly, searching JJ’s face for any sign of discomfort. JJ shook his head and wrapped his arms around Pope again “I want to switch” He whispered and tried to hide his embarrassment with a smile.  _ I want you on top of me. I want your whole body pressing against mine.  _ Pope scrunched his eyebrows together before a teasing smile formed on his lips. “You wanna switch huh?”, He teased and moved so that he was on top of JJ who simply nodded in response. 

JJ let out a content sigh and ran his hands over Pope’s back. The weight of Pope on top of him was both too much and not enough at the same time. He chewed on the inside of his cheek so that he didn’t do anything embarrassing like moan just from feeling Pope’s weight press him into the mattress. Pope played with the ends of JJ’s messy blonde strands and smiled fondly at him “Better?”, He asked softly and JJ nodded again “Better”, He whispered in response. 

Pope smiled giving JJ an ardent look from above him. “You’re so cute”, He continued to stroke JJ’s cheek, his thumb running over a pale yellow bruise from a few weeks ago. JJ’s body was buzzing and his heart was melting in his chest. The dull pain of the bruise on his face disappeared under Pope’s gentle touch.  _ Everywhere, touch me everywhere and never ever stop. _ He tried to think of a way to ask Pope to kiss the bruise on his cheek without sounding weird but opted to just keep his mouth shut. 

Pope kissed JJ again softly and hummed against the other’s lips. “I’ve wanted to do this for so long, it doesn’t even feel real”, He breathed into JJ’s mouth while tangling his hands into the boy’s hair. JJ panted and dared himself to run his hand under Pope’s T-shirt and feel his smooth skin against his fingers. “Me too”, He breathed helplessly “So long.” Pope was caught between wanting to know exactly how long and why he never said anything and if he would like to marry him and raise a couple of kids and maybe get a dog or just keep kissing the life out of the beautiful blonde below him. For now, he decided he would just go with the latter and figure out all the other stuff later. His brain was short-circuiting and he couldn’t really think of much else besides  _ JJ JJ JJ. Lips. Soft. Kiss. JJ JJ JJ.  _

A soft knock on his bedroom door and the sound of a knob turning triggered Pope to fall off his bed in an attempt to remove himself from his friend. “Ow,” Pope groaned following the thud of him hitting the floor. “Pope honey, I heard you come in” Mrs. Heyward started while opening Pope’s bedroom door. Her smile beamed when her eyes landed on the fear-stricken blonde on the bed, completely ignoring her son laying on the floor and rubbing his head. “JJ! Baby, how have you been?”, She squealed happily. “Oh...I’m good Mama H, how are you?” JJ smiled nervously. 

“I’m good, sweetheart. It’s so good to see you,” Mrs. Heyward always adored JJ. Ever since he was a little boy she had taken a liking to her son’s friend. Not only was he a charming little thing but she also saw how comfortable he made her son feel. She appreciated that JJ allowed her boy to be himself with zero judgment. JJ was a good boy, no matter what she heard any of the other people on the island whisper about him, and he was welcome in her home anytime.

JJ did his best to keep his eyes from shifting to the boy on the floor “Yeah it’s good to see you too, you’re looking beautiful as always,” He smiled at the women and rolled her eyes playfully with a grin, it was the same look that Pope gave JJ all the time, the JJ look. “Oh JJ, always so charming.”  _ If only you knew mom.  _ Pope thought from the floor. “You’re staying the night right?” She asked, still standing in the doorway. “I’ll order you boys a pizza.” JJ could be offered a billion dollars and a private island; it still wouldn’t get him out of this bed. “Yeah that sounds great,” JJ nodded casually and looked down at Pope. “I mean if that’s cool?” 

Pope’s head snapped to JJ and he nodded quickly “Yeah, yeah that’s cool,” His voice cracked and he definitely sounded anything but casual.  _ JJ in my bed and I’m allowed to touch, I’m allowed to kiss...to hold.  _ Mrs. Heyward smiled brightly “Great, I’ll leave you boys alone.” She said before blowing a kiss to both of the boys and then shutting the door behind her. 

Pope let out a breath that he wasn’t aware that he was holding and he laid back on the floor laughing. JJ joined in with Pope’s giggles and leaned over the bed to look down at him. “My mom likes you more than me,” Pope teased and this only made JJ laugh harder. “Well, what can I say? I was born to charm the hell out of the Heyward family,” He winked down at the other boy and Pope jumped back up on the bed because he couldn’t take not touching JJ any longer.

JJ giggled again and wrapped his arms around Pope while cuddling his head into the pillow. He couldn’t remember the last time he felt so warm and comfortable. Pope smiled sleepily at JJ while he laid beside him, resting his cheek against the pillow and lazily played with JJ’s hair. He could stare at him for days and never get bored. JJ licked his lips and began nervously playing with Pope’s fingers. Slender and steady with the occasional callous from years of working for his father. “Can we just…stay here all weekend?” He whispered nervously looking up from Pope’s hand to meet his eyes. “Just stay in your bed like this?” 

Pope saw dozens of emotions swimming around in JJ’s pleading eyes. His heart twisted in his chest and he wanted to gather the boy in his arms and hold him until all of his worries faded away. He scooted his body closer so that their feet were now tangled together at the foot of the bed and he tried to put every possible bit of reassurance he could into a smile. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be J,” He whispered and bumped his nose against JJ’s and watched the boy let out a sigh of what must have been relief mixed with something else that Pope couldn’t place. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A half-empty pizza box laid forgotten at the end of Pope’s bed while the sound of laughter filled Pope’s bedroom. Pope sat with his back against the wall with JJ’s head in his lap while he played with the blonde’s hair. “Shut up no you didn’t!” JJ exclaimed through his laughs and Pope just nodded with a wide smile “Yes I did!” He defended “I told Gracie Wagnor that you had mono so that she wouldn’t go with you to the dance,” JJ roared with laughter and grabbed his stomach with one arm “I can’t believe you did that,” He looked up at Pope who just shrugged. “Well, I knew that she was going to ask you and I wanted us to go together so I had to do something,” Grant it Pope’s logic sounded a lot better to him when he was 14. JJ’s cheeks hurt from smiling “I can’t believe you’re the one that started that rumor,” Pope’s smile faded slightly “Well, I didn’t know she was going to tell the entire cheerleading squad.” He mumbled. JJ chuckled “No biggie I’m pretty sure she ended up getting crabs from Jason Bailey so you probably saved me,” He teased smiling up at Pope cheekily. Pope rolled his eyes and smiled before placing a quick kiss on JJ’s forehead “That’s what I’m here for.”

JJ beamed, he remembered that dance. He and Pope had left early when John B found a girl to dance with and they went back to Pope’s house and watched movies. A thousand times better than dancing with Gracie Wagnor. JJ’s eyes drifted shut when Pope began massaging his fingers into his scalp. He hummed happily and Pope did his best to not lose control and ravish him right there. “I like it when you play with my hair,” JJ hummed, his eyes still shut. Pope wished he had a camera so that he could capture how peaceful JJ looked at this moment. Pride filled his chest at the thought that it was because of him that JJ was feeling so at ease. He wanted to make JJ feel this way for the rest of his life. “Well, I like playing with your hair,” He responded. “I love your hair,” JJ let out a small laugh at this. “I know,” He smiled and opened his eyes, looking up at Pope. “You told me.” Pope looked down at the boy in his lap, confused. “When you got all sloppy and tried to take advantage of me,” He teased and Pope’s face fell. “J…” Pope started and JJ just shook his head “I’m kidding,” He grabbed Pope’s hand “Don’t apologize for that anymore. Besides you were drunk and I was sober I should have stopped you way before I did. I think technically I might have taken advantage of you.” Pope sighed and he shook his head “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable,” He whispered and JJ just smiled again “You didn’t. Trust me it took everything in me to not let you destroy me that night so..” JJ’s cheeks heated up at his own words and Pope smiled again.

“Drunk Pope is almost as cute as sober Pope,” JJ smiled innocently at Pope who beamed and captured the blonde’s lips in a swift kiss. “Almost?” Pope teased against JJ’s lips. “Almost.” JJ agreed and reached up to press his palm to Pope’s cheek, deepening the kiss. Bliss. He was in the middle of pure unadulterated bliss. Pope hummed into the kiss and JJ smiled against Pope’s mouth. “Yeah,” He pulled away slightly but kept his hand cupped around Pope’s cheek. “Drunk Pope is a little too sloppy for my taste,” He commented cheekily. Pope scoffed and rolled his eyes but a fond smile remained on his lips. The JJ Look. 

JJ’s eyes flooded with adoration and his stomach was doing flips. Pope had looked at JJ like that one million five hundred and seventy three times, but never while JJ had his head in his lap and Pope’s hand was playing with his hair and they were warm and safe and the rest of the world didn’t exist, at least not to JJ. “I love it when you look at me like that,” JJ whispered quietly. The statement wasn’t even really for Pope to hear, it was more for JJ to actually be able to say it out loud after thinking it for so many years. It felt good to say. 

Pope’s fond smile never left his lips, even as a soft confusion flashed through his eyes. “Like what?” He whispered back soothingly, beginning to stroke blonde hair back off of the other boy's forehead. JJ shrugged coyly and finally broke his eye contact with Pope. “I don’t know like you just did,” He replied and licked his lips. They were swollen from all the kissing and the thought made his cheeks glow. “Just...Like when I do or something dumb you give me this...look,” He explained and finally looked back up at Pope. “Like you’re about to get mad but then you just smile instead.” He couldn’t believe he was saying this out loud, that he was letting himself be this vulnerable and open. Spilling his heart out and letting it pour onto Pope Heyward’s bed. But it was fair. Pope poured his heart out to JJ, this was the least he could do. And despite the nauseating fear of rejection that made a home in the pit of JJ’s stomach, he wanted to tell Pope all of this stuff. He wanted him to see all of his thoughts, embarrassing and cheesy as they may be. He wanted to show him his fears and dreams and scars, I mean how could he not when he was looking at him like that? He knows that Pope knows him, probably better than anyone else, but still he didn’t know the parts of JJ that he kept hidden, that he was ashamed and afraid of. But he wanted him too. He wanted Pope to know everything and he wanted to know everything about Pope.  _ God, I hope he feels this way too.  _

“You don’t ever look at anyone else like that.” JJ Continued. “It’s like, it’s only for me or something,” JJ blushed and Pope’s thumb brushed against his warm cheek. “It is,” He replied, “You’re the only person in the world that makes me smile while simultaneously makes me want to strangle them.” Pope joked with a bright smile, earning a chuckle from JJ. Pope never realized that he looked at JJ like that, but it made sense. He guessed if he had realized it he might have actively stopped himself from doing it because a lot of feeling was hidden in that look. Feelings that up until about three hours ago, Pope never ever planned to reveal to JJ. Now, however, Pope was taking a mental note to ALWAYS look at JJ like that. Because JJ likes it. It makes him feel good, it makes him feel loved. Pope would like to spend the rest of his life doing any and everything that he can to make JJ feel loved, please and thank you. 

JJ pulled Pope’s hand onto his stomach so that he could play with his fingers. “I think I tend to have that effect on people.” He joked while examining Pope’s hands. “Well, you are one of a kind.” Pope agreed and placed a soft kiss on JJ’s forehead. This all felt so unbelievably natural as if this had always been the way things were between them. JJ in his arms just felt so right, how could it have ever been any other way? Why the hell did he wait so long to make this happen?

Pope had to actively remind himself of the novelty of the situation. He didn’t want to do or say anything that could possibly make JJ uncomfortable or scare him away. Pope knew that when it came to emotion, JJ scared easily. That’s why though the word burned his tongue and every time JJ drew a little heart on his hand with his index finger Pope’s chest ached with the urge to declare his emotions for the blonde, he strayed far away from using the word “love”. At least from using it again. He already knew he loved JJ, he didn’t need to be in a year-long relationship with him to know that, and if he asked him to, Pope could lay out exactly every reason why he loved the blonde. However, JJ hadn’t said it yet and he didn’t want to put pressure on him to make any kind of move in their newfound relationship,  _ Is it a relationship? Courtship? Friends with benefits? OH MY GOD, BENEFITS!  _ or whatever it was until JJ was ready to do so.

JJ found himself letting out a small yawn and stretching his arms out in Pope’s lap. “Sleepy?” Pope asked twirling a strand of JJ’s hair around his finger. JJ simply nodded and closed his eyes with a sleepy smile on his face. “You have to cuddle me all night or else I’m gonna tell Gracie Wagnor the truth so she can finally take me to the middle school dance,” JJ said cheekily while opening his eyes slightly to see Pope’s reaction. Pope simply laughed and playfully brought his arm that was spread over JJ’s stomach up around his neck, putting him in a fake chokehold. “You’re never gonna let me live that down are you?” JJ giggled and put his hands around Pope’s arm that was on his neck. “No,” He said between laughs. 

Pope rolled his eyes and patted JJ’s belly with his hand, silently telling him to sit up so that the two of them could lay more comfortably in the bed. Pope leaned over the side of his bed to place the pizza box on the floor while JJ kicked his legs under the blanket. Pope found himself back up the bed and followed JJ’s lead in getting under the warmth of the comforter. 

They each laid on their sides facing one another with sheepish smiles on their face. Pope’s eyes searched over JJ’s angelic face and he swore if he looked long enough he would be able to find the meaning of life behind JJ’s tired blue eyes. _ I love you. _ “Hi,” Pope whispered quietly into the air between the two boys. “Hi,” JJ replied softly and was almost scared of how at ease he felt. The thought that he was supposed to be in his freezing cold bedroom crying over a boy but now he was laying here with said boy with a warm shield of love wrapped around his body boggled him.  _ I love you.  _

“Can I have that sweatshirt back,” JJ whispered mindlessly. The small smile on Pope’s lips widened slightly. “Yeah J,” He whispered back. “It’s yours.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> FLUFF FLUFF FLUFF. Cuddles because it's what they deserve. I am so so sorry that this took so long. I'm gonna try and have the next chapter out soon. I have no real excuse, just college online is rough and I've kinda been going through it. But this story makes me happy so I'm going to keep working on it.   
> You're guy's comments seriously make my day like you don't understand how much I love reading them. Thank you so much especially to the people that make a point to comment on every chapter it really means the world to me :)

**Author's Note:**

> Hi! This a story about JJ learning to accept love because this poor boy deserves all the love. This will also switch POVs from JJ to Pope pretty often. We love a good friends to lovers slow burn so get ready for that :).  
> Feedback is always welcome!


End file.
